Happy Birthday to my baby!! September 28, 2011
12:01 am
mood: amused

Entry 2176

My baby girl turned three today! That means I've been a mommy for three years! WOW! Time does fly!

We will be celebrating tomorrow with cake and presents.

Speaking of presents, I got a new bitch to buy me stuff. He just got me a year paid account on my livejournal so now I don't have to worry about getting it for myself. Fantastic. I also got 5 new e-books and I'm making a list of more stuff I want for him to buy me. Happy Mommy Day to me!

5 want me dead | kill me



mood: i don't care

Entry 2158

Is it possible to miss something that you didn't really like that much in the first place? I mean something you wouldn't miss if you didn't have it but could get it. Something you only miss because you can't get it. And even if I lived 100 years without touching it, just knowing that I can go to the store for some whenever I choose is comfort enough regardless of the fact that I don't actually want or even really like it (and even some things I don't like at all). Isn't that ridiculous? On a related note, I stopped liking pop tarts because they reminded me too much of rehab where it was my staple food (the brown sugar one.. so much yum). Fuck this country.

A lot of the things they don't have are things I wouldn't even notice if they actually did have them here. But I resent the pathetic excuse for a Comedy Central with a weekly 'Daily Show' and 'Colbert Report' and the absolute lack of some of my favorite adult swim shows (family guy, anyone?). I don't care much for telly anyway and I don't have much time for it anyway. The once a week dose of jon stewart, stephen colbert, and conan o'brien are satisfactory (and often I don't get to watch them weekly, sometimes I have to watch 3 weeks worth in one day, time is lacking or in great abundance for a singular moment).

I'm writing this silly post to avoid work. Working from home is great. I have more serious things to discuss but I won't mix serious with nonsense. And I won't do it while I'm supposed to be working. No seriousness allowed at work. Not in my office (which is actually just a tiny corner in the living room between the couch, the wall, and my fathers computer desk (very cramped but I still manage to fit a small table and balance a desktop and two laptops on the table and couch. I'm thrifty with my limited space. My office at work is huge with two giant desks, a desktop and a laptop that are not mine and which I have no administrative abilities for (nor does anyone seem to know the password for me to update java which is one thing it requested I do every hour of every day). Also, I couldn't download aim. Or anything I wanted. Plus they spelled my name wrong. And I couldn't change my password for some reason. And the password was a random mixture of uppercase and lowercase letters which didn't spell anything. i don't care, i like my home office even if it is small and I need to use 3 computers because the desktop sucks, the laptop is older than your grandma (in laptop years), my slightly newer laptop screen hasn't been fixed yet and my newest laptop (that I'm currently typing on) has Windows 7 which is not compatible with our VPN and I can't get into the backoffice from this computer. So I have to use the two ancient beasts for now. And I use this one for Skype calls because with the old men, skype doesn't function properly and thus phone calls come equipped with delay, echo, random noises and the occasional unwanted termination of the call (i.e. dropped calls). This is a place of business, dammit! Anyway, I'm going to stop talking nonsense so I can finish work and then go to sleep and then maybe post all the things I really want to talk about that I'm hiding behind this nonsense to avoid.

hahah just kidding, i'm like for real a real person with real feelings just like you and i have no hidden demons. cuz this post is public. For my nonsense. Don't worry non-friends, I don't ever post friends-only and if I do, it's more nonsense like this. Nobody reads this anyway. Not even me. I have to go take a break from work... which is kind of what I'm doing now. But not really. Somehow. I don't know.

Btw, is the "detect music" button on semagic the most awesome thing ever? It's cool because I always have music on but when I'm writing (something serious), I usually don't notice what noise is in the background even if it's awesome music. So it's cool to be reminded that there is in fact background noise and that it's not just noise but entertainment. Right now, being on 3 computers and this one being devoted entirely to skype, my music is coming from the speakers of old man lappy (alias ducky senior) so I can't hit detect music. when will they detect music from just the air. Sheesh. I want them to like detect every noise. So if i'm sitting here listening to some crazy person cursing in spanish, it'll detect it and say "Some crazy man cursing in Spanish" and you'll know it's not a lie because the "detect" button never lies.

Oh! Pictures of Elliot from Purim are going to eventually come and I know it's been like a month since then but I'm working on it. So much to do, so little time. This is more a reminder to myself than a promise to any of you. Fuck you guys. ;o)


*insert fart joke here*

I'm not crazy and neither are the voices in my head. And neither are my other personalities. And neither are we. But you are. It's the crazies who think they are sane. That's how I know I'm sane. See?

12 want me dead | kill me



mood: just woke up... ugh.

Entry 2151

I just got my first Israeli credit card. It's a Visa with a 12,000 shekel limit. That comes out to approximately $3,333.33 (repeating) USD. Considering my insanely large amount of debt in the U.S. it is very exciting for me to have actual money in the bank and an actual credit card. To have my own money that I actually earned. Money I'm working my ass off every night to make. It's nice to open up my bank account online and see money in there and open up my wallet and see money in there too. And I got a raise this month so my next paycheck will be large. My main concern is having to support an overgrown child of a husband. Right now, I could afford to move out and get a cute little one room apartment for Elliot and I. But I cannot afford the payments on a two bedroom plus expenses (including the extra food, drink, and electricity that would be used) by myself. If this third person wants to continue living with us, he's going to have to hold his own (meaning, get a damn job and pay part of the expenses or I'm cutting out.). That is all. I have to do some stuff before work. *Yawn*

10 want me dead | kill me



mood: exhausted, overworked, mentally unstable, loopy, ready for a serious nap

Entry 2150

Dearest Live-Journal. I first discovered you when I was 18 years old. Back in 2002 when you were so exclusive that someone had to give me an invite just to join. There was no myspace, twitter, or facebook back then. I was looking for a place to share pictures of my dog and a friend from high school gave me a code to live-journal. His name was Chris Church. Now it's been nearly nine years since the beginning. Journal, you have been with me through so much. Moving out of my parents home for the first time, the loneliness, homesickness, horrible roommates, and craziness that happened in my first year of college. You stuck by me through alcoholism, cutting, suicidal thoughts and trials, drug addiction, love, hate, fear, homelessness, scams, withdrawal, pain, crime, jail, rehab, and so many other things. You introduced me to the idea of sharing my thoughts and writings with other people. People who didn't know me personally but grew to know me in a way that those around me never could. People who were not really people. Just like you, journal. An invisible audience. I know that I have been neglecting you lately. In fact, for far too long. I kept getting emails about renewing my paid account and I paid and then I realized I was paying for something I wasn't using so I stopped. But I will pay again. And I will stop messing around with the likes of Facebook. Because all it does it make me feel worse about myself. I don't need that. I need a place where I can write freely. Where I can be open. Where I don't have to limit myself or edit myself or censor myself. Where my full name and picture isn't displayed front and center next to everything I write. Where I am anonymous and my family and other people who think they are my friends are not invited. Where I can avoid those people who I dislike and those who I despite and those who I don't care about one way or the other. This is the place for me. And I know that even though I've neglected you for so long, you will welcome me back. It's time I found my way back to myself. It's time I started writing what is in my head, uncensored, unedited, and uncut. And so from this moment, I will do just that. I will try to update you with everything that has been happening to me lately and in the time since we parted. It's going to be a long journal entry, my friend. But I'm not worried because you're not going to tell me I wrote too much. Nobody will. This is my space. My own personal piece of the net. And I am free to do with it as I please. So here we go.

Where do I begin? I've been trying to "start" (and finish) this post for three days now. Between work, sleep, and Elliot, I hardly ever have any time. So instead of writing one huge never-ending post like I had originally planned, I think I'm going to post a little bit every day (as much as I can). Before there was livejournal, before there was a computer in every home, I kept a journal on pieces of notebook paper. I wrote everything I felt on these papers. My thoughts, my wild dreams, my fears, my desires, my anxieties, my anger, my hatred, my everything. It was me, the whole of me, written down in black or blue ink on white notebook paper. I would write out my depression in words and my tears would often wet the paper. Later, I would take these papers out into the backyard and light them on fire. I would watch the flames turn the paper to ashes. I saw myself in these pages. It was me being burned. I felt the heat on my skin and inside myself. I imagined myself standing out there, burning the way the papers did. Slowly and painfully. Turning to ash and blowing away with the breeze. I watched as my fingers disappeared, the fire spreading up my arm. I was made of paper, not flesh. I had writing on me. it was my thoughts and feelings in black ink on my white skin. It was me being burned. In the moments before the burning, I would skim through the things I had written, the other me. Not the me who wrote these things. The me who hated that other me. The me who was full of anger and disgust. The me who didn't believe in any other emotion besides anger. The me who wanted to punch the other me for being such a cry baby. This angry part of me couldn't stand to let that other part of me live. So it burned the papers I had written on. It burned me. And later, I would start over. Writing new pages on fresh paper, never thinking about the later on when I would be once again outside burning. Always thinking it would be different. But I always ended up burning. Everyone of my childhood journals has been burned. I feel it is better that way. But now I have journal entries dating back to my 18th year which is pretty far back. And I have livejournal to thank for that. Something I cannot burn. Something that will always be there. Not even the anger and self-loathing can destroy what is written here. And so, I will start anew without burning the old. I will remember the past and move forward. I will write a little bit at a time, the story of me. The real and true me. I'm turning this journal into my memoirs. Maybe by the end of the year, I'll have enough material and enough money to hire someone to make something out of all these words. Maybe. But this now is just a beginning. A beginning of a story. The story of m.e. But this post is only the introduction. The real start will come later, in my next post. Because I've been awake since 10pm last night, worked from 11pm until 8am, went out for a few hours with Jaje and Elliot, and it's now almost 4:30pm. It's been too many hours since I've slept. I just got my xanax and tramadol refilled and I took one of each. Luckily, I'm not working tonight. But I want to get some sleep because I'm feeling a little loopy. I want to post this because it's been sitting on my computer for a few days. How many, I'm not sure. It's hard for me to keep track of days anymore. But I want to add that I have not signed into or even considered signing into Facebook since my last journal post. And I don't plan on doing so anytime soon. I am happy to be free of the shackles of facebook and to be back to the freedom of livejournal. I also got a temporary free paid account which is cool and once that runs out, I will pay for my account again. Thank you to all my dear readers. You are the best. Goodnight and Good day to you all.

I leave you with my song lyric of the day. From one of my favorite bands, They Might Be Giants. I know that posting song lyrics is not very much liked by people (we tend to think that people can't think for themselves and so use others words to describe how they feel). I once thought the same thing. Now I realize that there are people who say what I want to say much better than I can possibly say it. So I will continue to post song lyrics on occasion. If you don't like it, too bad. Don't read it. And here it is.

I know, I know, I said that I would quit. All right, I promise, no more after this. You don't know how I've tried. To forget what it was like.

I'll never forget. I wish I could. But I never will. That's all for now, dear readers. More to come. Ciao.

21 want me dead | kill me



Livejournal?!?! What?! March 14, 2011
6:15 am
mood: nostalgic

Entry 2149

Are there any real people using livejournal anymore or just trolls and spammers? Has everyone moved on to bigger and better things (such as facebook.. the rage of the world). I miss my livejournal and the many many years of comfort and such that it gave me during the worst and best times of my life. Why do the things we enjoy most always die or go away? I'm still here. Are you?

15 want me dead | kill me



mood: meh

Entry 2148

Hrmm. I just noticed I haven't posted here in awhile. Also, I connected livejournal to my facebook... whatever that means. I don't know. I don't think anyone uses livejournal anymore or at least nobody reads mine. So... here's some photos I guess I started to post awhile ago and never did cuz it was saved as a draft. Enjoy (whoever reads this). For those of you not in the know (i.e. anyone who isn't friends with me on facebook), I'm now in Israel. So yeah. Pictures of Elliot... bye bye.

12 want me dead | kill me



Happy 2nd Birthday Elliot!! September 27, 2010
11:19 am
mood: my tummy hurts... owww

Entry 2147

Today is Elliot's 2nd Birthday! Woohoo! I know she's too young to really understand that it's her birthday or what a birthday even is but I want to try to make it a special day for her. I'm not sure what to do. Any ideas?

I was going to post about the season openers of Dexter, Family Guy, and the Cleveland show but I don't want that crap to steal the thunder of Elliot's birthday so forget it. All I can say is I love Dexter, Family Guy usually cracks me up but last night's episode just didn't do it for me and I fell asleep in the middle of Cleveland show so you know how that is (that show sucks, i don't know why i keep watching it). More later. Maybe. Probably not cuz i'll forget. And I had so much to say. Oh well. Oh yeah, new episode of Weeds tonight, hoorah. I'm only enjoying it so much because soon I won't have any of it. Israel doesn't have Showtime and HBO and basically every channel that I watch. I'm gonna be stuck watching reruns of friends and (eww eww) seinfeld. So that's that. I'm going to my baby now. Ciao.

Happy Birthday baby Elliot!!!

8 want me dead | kill me



mood: sick

Entry 2146

Well friends.... do i have any friends out there? I know it's been a very long time since i've posted on this journal. But I can only say that I have been going through a lot of difficult times. For example, about a week or two ago, the powers that be chose to take me away but as you can see, I am back. I just had some sort of seizure and my heart stopped but jaje called an ambulance and I was taken to a hospital where I spent a few days. I can't tell you the number of days because I don't remember the first couple of days at all. Things that I remember didn't really happen and things that happened... well, i don't remember. I was in another world. But now I'm back on this one again. So hello everyone. I can't say it's good to be back. Part of me wishes mother earth had just taken me for good. But I have a daughter who will be turning two years old in just under 3 weeks and I would hate to miss that. But I am feeling like not myself at all. I feel weak, sore, and if you saw my arms, you would mistake me for a junkie but that's only because the nurses in the hospital had a very difficult time finding a vein on me. So now i've got marks and bruises all up and down my arms. Thanks nurses. I could have done a better job myself and I'm not professionally trained. But the bruises will heal with time as will my fear and my pain. I just can't help thinking what would have happened if jaje had not been there. There would have been no one to call an ambulance for me but worse there would have been no one to protect elliot as she sat and watched her mother die. But I can't think such thoughts. That's not the way it went down. Jaje was there and he took care of everything. But I'm still afraid to be left alone with my daughter. How fucked up is that. And I'm so depressed and I feel like hell physically as well as emotionally. Jaje's mother is here, she came down to help us out. My parents will be here at the end of this month. So I'm probably not going to be alone for awhile which is good because I fear for my life. Not because I'm scared to die but just for my daughters sake. She needs me. I had social services at my house but they said everything is okay and I have nothing to worry about but they want me in counseling. I really don't want to do the counseling but i'll do whatever it takes to make sure nobody takes my baby away from me. I will die before i let them take her. How can they just come in here, knowing i'm sick, and tell me that my home is not safe for baby. Okay it was a little messy but there was nothing dangerous anywhere. I even have all the electric sockets plugged up so she can't get into them. The only thing really was that there was alot of clothes and toys all over the floors and the EMTs had a hard time getting to me because they had to step on it. So one of them decided i was an unfit mother and called social services to come check out my place. But Jaje and his mom had it cleaned up by the time they came around. And they even visited me in the hospital and talked to me but I don't really remember much of what was said. My whole hospital stay is just a big blur. I think i fell down because they put a bracelet on my wrist that said "fall risk" and i still have a pain in the back of my head as if it had been hit with a baseball bat or something. All I can think of is that I tried to stand up at some point and fell on the back of my head. I don't remember it happening. I'm just assuming that happened. It bothers me that a couple days of my life are just a blank. Anything could have happened and I will never remember it. And some things that didn't happen will not leave my mind. I feel as though it's so real. Even though the people involved insist it didn't happen. Like I remember my mother calling me even though it's impossible because she didn't know I was in the hospital at the time. I only called her and told her once I got out. But I have a very vivid and real memory of speaking with her from my hospital room. I even said, hey remember when you called me and she said "what do you mean, i didn't call you. i couldn't call you. i didn't have the number even." and I thought about it and she was right. It's impossible. But that's just one of many things that I remember that didn't happen. Jaje said i was tripping like crazy the first two times he came to see me and I don't remember him even coming to see me those first two times. The third time he came, I thought that was the first time and I remember being so mad at him for leaving me in the hospital so long but he says he was there and i was tripping balls. Before the seizure and the hospital, I had been sick as hell, throwing up constantly for like 4 or 5 days straight. And that lead up to the seizure and jaje said my heart stopped and i was not breathing and he had to do mouth to mouth. He also said i bit my tongue and blood and other crap came out of my mouth but my tongue doesn't hurt and you'd think it would if i had bit it hard enough for blood to squirt out of my mouth. So who knows. It's all a crazy mess to me. I can't say what happened or why. And it's the why part that scares me. I'm 26 years old, things like this should not be happening to me. But that's what happened. That's the story. And right now, I'm just trying to get back to normal. I don't know how long that will take but i hope not too long. I'm sick of feeling sick. Anyway, I have nothing left to say for now. I'm going to do something else. If anyone cares to email, call, or write me... feel free. I'm around. Just don't ask me stupid questions cuz I will ignore you. I'm just not in the mood for dealing with idiots right now. Thanks and goodbye.

11 want me dead | kill me



mood: apathetic / hateful / wanting to die / fuck you

Entry 2145

i took somewhere close to 20 xanax... maybe more. so if i ever fall asleep, i may be lucky enough to stay that way. I know, I should take more. I probably will. As soon as i'm done with this because it's hard enough to type already and they haven't really kicked in yet. maybe a little, they have. what do you care. soon i'll go lie down. i just wanted to post in my journal for some reason. i had the fucking urge. and i want to tell you all that mostly everything i have said in my life have been lies. i'm the biggest liar in the world. When i was younger, i knew what i wanted. but i grew up. you promised me we'd never get old, peter pan. But you got old too didn't you. Grown a little senile, did you? In some home for people who are dying of old age and dementia. I won't let that happen to me. Fuck it all. I never wanted to be a mother. ask anyone who knew me like 2 or 3 or more years ago. I never wanted to get married. I wish I'd never met jaje. that would have solved both problems. i only bring us down. i only make life a disaster.it's all my faultl. but i can't love the way you people love. I dont love anyone. I'm sorry. I wish I was normal. Not really. I''m sorry mommy that i wasn't the perfect daughter you wanted. The 5 ft 5, size 0, cheerleader, popular girl in school type. I'm sorry I didn't go to parties and get wasted and fuck random guys whose names I didn't know. Oh and got the best grades at the same time because i was beautiful and beautiful people get everything. it's not my fault. i didn't choose to be born and i didn't choose to be the way i am. All I ever want to do every second of my life is still a needle in a vein and watch the blood mix with the dope right before i pushed the plunger. THAT is what i want to do with my life. Until I die. Fuck you all. I have to go now. Goodnight. I know I will wake up in the morninig wishing i had a needle and some dope. After all it's only been like 3 years and i never wanted to quit. I had no choice. It's the only true regret i have. Which lead to the regret of bringing a child into the world. REALLY BIGGEST mistake i ever made. I'm sorry. Goodnight.

8 want me dead | kill me



Ohh Xanax... sweet relief. June 14, 2010
11:57 am
mood: depressed, distressed, hopeless, needing help desperately

Entry 2143

I've sent all my problems to a time out, to sit in the corner staring at the wall and thinking about how much misery they have caused me. i can still see them but they can't see me and if they so much as turn around and take a peak at me or dare to creep back into my head for just a second, I will pop another xanax or two and they'll be back in their silent corners for the next few hours. In fact, I'm about to go lay down and let the bliss of more than the recommended dose of xanax wash over me, wash away the anxiety and pain and the truth of how miserable my life is. For now, i'm not me. I'm someone else, someone with less problems. Someone who good things happen to. And there are good things coming my way. I have money coming in, well it's already come in, we have to go pick it up. I called moneygram to confirm and it's waiting for us to pick up. I just sent Jaje to walmart to pick it up (moneygram). That means, i'll be eating real food soon for the first time in... i don't know how long. And i can go to the grocery store and buy food for my baby. And on top of that, there will be plenty of my crutch, xanax. At least i'm not touching any pain killers anymore. The xanax keeps me sane and allows me to deal with the world the way most normal people do without any help. Well fuck you normals. I'm not like you. You think I dont want to have another little blue pill or another shot of heroin (yes, even 3 years later, i still miss it). I do want those things on the daily but I have more important things i have to take care of. Like an almost 2 year old. Sobriety is a wonderful thing, so they say.

Anyway, i wanted to post here even though i don't think i have any readers. I'm requesting donations, monetary or gifts or whatever you can send me. I want to start saving up for elliot's second birthday which will be here sooner than we know. I want to take her to chuck e cheese (or disney if i can afford it, i think she'd love it) and buy her some cute gifts. So if anyone wants to chip in any way possible, I'll love you forever and i will repay the favor as soon as i can. I have a wish list on walmart.com you can visit it by clicking on the following link: http://www.walmart.com/giftregistry/gr_detail.do?registryId=80542249165&sourceid=00379540531593151458. Of course, I would much rather you guys get me walmart gift cards (which you can buy at the same time). Really gift cards to any stores would be wonderful, like babies r'us or amazon.com or whatever you can think of that has goodies for baby (and maybe a little something for mommy). Amazon is my favorite because i have like 7 dollars credit from forever ago and i cant use it, if someone gets me a gift card to amazon, i'm going to buy Elliot some awesome baby bath time drums and also some new clothes so she can stop wearing clothes that are too small for her. And she really deserves it. I dont want her to turn out like me. No fucking way. If you want to help with food because we recently lost our food stamps and medicaid, we are struggling and fighting to get it back but still no luck. So we are in a financial crisis. If you want to send money through paypal, you can do so by clicking on the icon below:

If you would rather send it another way, let me know and i'll give you my information.

Please someone help Elliot and me. We don't have any money, food, or anything. I know you can donate at least a dollar. If a bunch of you donate a dollar or two each. Or gather some friends and donate like 2 or 3 dollars, it will add up and maybe my daughter will get some food and maybe even some presents for her fast approaching second birthday. Where are all my kind, generous friends. If you can't afford to donate a dollar or two, then maybe you should try to put up a donate button of your own and find someone to help you. By the way, here are some pictures of my beautiful little girl. Try to say no to this little face.

Many more pictures behind this cut!!Collapse )

Elliot and I thank you for reading our pathetic little display but believe me if i wasn't desperate, i wouldn't even bother. I know there are some kind people out there and I really hope one of you can find it in your heart to help in whatever way you can. Remember that no amount is too little or too big. So give what you can and I will be grateful no matter what the amount. Thank you all for reading. Have a great day.

Much love,
Malli and Elliot Garibaldi

3 want me dead | kill me



Please vote for Elliot on parenting.com December 19, 2009
10:16 pm
mood: oww i have a toothache in the back of my mouth!!

Entry 2136

1 want me dead | kill me



New Journal for Elliot Photos November 28, 2009
4:16 am
mood: exhausted

Entry 2135

Hello everyone! I have decided to make a new journal for Elliot. I'm going to use that journal to keep photos of her for everyone to see. I will post links to the posts on here for the first couple times so that everyone knows where to go if they want to see updated pictures of Elliot. I'm going to post a few older pictures in order of date and lead up to her most recent photos. Very soon, I will be posting pictures of her 1st birthday and Halloween and also videos of her walking. You don't want to miss that. So please add Elliot's new livejournal to your friends list. elliotthecute she will add you back right away!



Crazy mommy October 23, 2009
3:06 pm
mood: crazy

Entry 2134

I saw this advertisement on television, about a year ago, for "your baby can read" and it sounded amazing. They list the price as $14.95 for a "trial" of 30 days. I had looked over the site and didn't find any problem with it so I decided I'd order it when Elliot was a bit older. Well, I saw the advertisement again today and I thought it sounded to good to be true. I went to the website to read more about it and with every intention of ordering. I thought that whatever the cost, this product sounded awesome. I read the entire website and there was no indication of the real price anywhere. Until I went to hit the button to order and that's when they hit me with a $200 price tag. I couldn't believe it! But it makes sense why they didn't want the price out in the open. That is so ridiculous. I was so excited about buying this thing for Elliot and now I'm so fucking disappointed, I wish there was something I could do about it. I know it's stupid to get so worked up over something so silly. I know there is nothing I can do and I know that most things advertised on television are actually scams. But when it comes to my baby, something clicks in my head. It just makes me so angry that something I have wanted for so long turns out to be a complete scam. If it was a legitimate company, they would have no reason to be so sneaky and hide the real price. Just 3 "easy" payments of $66.65. That might be "easy" for some people but it's not for me. I can't afford to spend that kind of money on something like that. But even if I did have that money, I wouldn't buy from a company that was so sneaky and dishonest. I wish I was someone of influence so I could tell everyone I know, "Do NOT order from yourbabycanread.com" and make them lose business. But I'm just a sad, pathetic mother of one whose opinion really isn't worth the time it takes to read it. Oh well. I"ll get over it. I'll find my daughter some other "learn to read" product.

In other news...Collapse )

11 want me dead | kill me



mood: calm

Entry 2133

This time exactly a year ago, I was laying on the operating table, waiting for my baby girl to be pulled out of me. The memories are very fuzzy now that it's been a year. We are counting down the minutes till 11: 26pm on Sept. 27, Elliot's official time of birth! Happy Birthday, my beautiful amazing little girl! I can't believe it's been a whole year already! I'm so happy to have you in my world!

4 want me dead | kill me



mood: sick as fuck

Entry 2132

This weekend was full of firsts for Elliot. We took her on her first road trip to Gulfport, where she met her grandma Jenny (Jaje's mom) and big brother Vincent for the first time. We also celebrated her first birthday and she ate her first birthday cake. It was a very fun weekend. I took lots of pictures and videos which I will post as soon as I'm feeling better.

The one downside to the weekend is that the first morning, Jaje woke up feeling sick. His nose was stuffed up, his throat was swollen, and he felt crummy. I was afraid we'd all catch it but somehow Elliot and I remained healthy throughout the weekend. On monday night, we returned home. Tuesday morning, I woke up feeling like hell with all the same symptoms he'd woken up with Saturday morning. Luckily, Elliot was okay and my mother took her and she's been staying at my moms since yesterday. I miss her terribly. I was able to see her for a few minutes when my mom brought her over today but she wouldn't bring her in the house or let me get too close. I couldn't hold my baby or kiss her. It made me so sad but I know that it's for her own good. I don't want her getting sick. I just hate being sick even more than usual because it's keeping me from my baby. I'm so grateful to my mother that she is helping us so much. I've been taking some benadryl, dayquil, and nyquil throughout the day and night. I'm hoping to feel better before the end of the week because this Sunday is Elliot's first birthday for real. We will be celebrating it a second time with her other grandma and grandpa. I had wanted to celebrate with everyone together but it didn't work out that way. I'm still happy that she got a chance to celebrate with her grandma jenny and brother. I will post an update on how it went with Elliot and Vincent, including photos and videos, when I start to feel well. I hope it's soon. I miss my daughter so much and I can't wait to be able to bring her home. I know she misses her mommy too. My mom said that she will look for me and sometimes go to the door and scream "mama mama" as though she thought I might be on the other side of it. It makes me happy to know that my baby loves me so much.

I'm going to sleep now because the nyquil I took is making me drowsy. I'm hoping to wake up feeling better tomorrow. Everyone hope with me (or pray if you're into that). :o)

4 want me dead | kill me



My first college paper!!! Somebody help!! September 12, 2009
5:04 am
mood: tired, stressed, busy, indecisive

Entry 2131

Today, Elliot picked out a stuffed ducky from a bunch of toys, pointed to it and said "duck." She's also learning to make quacking noises when i ask her what sound a duck makes. That's my girl!

In other news, I have to write a 5 page paper for my interpersonal communication class due Sunday and I still haven't even started it yet. Thanks to my friend hrolf for picking the question i wanted to pick but couldn't because i'm decision-phobic. Thanks also to erinleighralph for picking my second choice. Perhaps my next paper will be on that one! Thanks for helping guys! You rock! :o)

The question I chose is:

1. What rules govern your relationship with your mother? Your father? Your communication teacher? Your roommate? Your spouse?

Now I have 24 hours before it has to be turned in. Elliot just went to sleep so if i was smart, I'd be working on it right now. But i'm not so i'll probably put it off until tomorrow night. hehe. No, i'm going to go at least make an attempt. Goodnight everyone!

6 want me dead | kill me



mood: happy, excited, tired

Entry 2130

Well, the last few days have been very crazy and frustrating and I was just about ready to kill someone but it was all worth it because right now I'm standing in my beautiful master bedroom in my beautiful apartment that is all mine! With my King size bed and my walk-in closet and all this space that I never had before. And Elliot has her own room too which I'm not sure if i'm comfortable with. It's nice to have the space but i don't like having her so far away from me. I wanted a baby monitor but I don't have the money and my mom says it's a waste of money so she won't get it for me. We just spent a good chunk of change on our bedroom set and we still have to get a living room set. The bedroom is beautiful and I love it. But the best part of moving was that I no longer have to see my mother first thing in the morning. I don't have to see my parents at all if I don't want to. Now i have the choice of going over there only if i want to. It's so great, finally, to have our own apartment that is all ours. I just can't believe it. I just started to unpack but it's already very late and i'm so tired from all the packing and moving and craziness of the last couple days. I think I'm just going to relax and enjoy my apartment tonight. My first night in my own place. In a way this is our first apartment together as a family, all three of us. Although Jaje and i had a place together for awhile when i was pregnant. For some reason, that one felt more real because we were doing everything on our own. Now we have my mom taking care of a lot of stuff for us so it doesn't feel like ours as much. Even though my mother bought the place for us so it's almost like ours but it's really hers because she's the owner. Regardless, it's really great to have a place that's just ours. Mine and Jaje's and Elliot's. Our first home as a family. It's wonderful. I mean, Elliot has her own room. Her first official room of her own. That's a big thing for both of us. She's turning one this month and this is just one more way that she's growing up and away from me. I'm happy but i'm also a little bit sad about that. This is just the first step, before I know it she'll be moving out of my home into one of her own, not just a bedroom but her own home. Eeek. I know that's years away. But it goes by faster than you think. Anyway, I have to stop thinking about those things. Back to the good stuff. I'm so happy we got a king size bed instead of a queen like we had before. I'll finally have room on the bed instead of having to make do with the tiny bit of bed that jaje leaves for me. This bed is the shit and it's so comfortable. I am ecstatic. But I have a lot to do tomorrow and in the coming days so I should probably get some rest. Just wanted everyone to know that I have my own apartment now with 2 bedrooms so if anyone wants to come visit (crystal!), you are more than welcome to come anytime! The only thing is we don't yet have a bed in the baby/guest room so we'll have to pick something up. But i'm sure it'll be fine. There's nothing in that room but Elliot's crib right now which i can easily move into my bedroom if someone comes to visit. We can't afford furniture for her yet but hopefully soon we will. Anyway, I'm off to do go enjoy my apartment. Goodnight everyone!

21 want me dead | kill me



mood: angry, confused, violent, and sad

Entry 2124

I promised some videos of Elliot so here they are. I know it's a few days later than i said but life has been crazy. Sometimes, things happen that just destroy what little faith i had in humanity. It makes me worry for Elliot and also guilty for bringing her into such a miserable world. But this is not the time for that. I'm just here to post videos of Elliot. Enjoy!

That's my little sexy baby. Eating her cereal. with oil in her hair. Isn't she gorgeous?

Yummy banana

Elliot loves to dance. She'll dance to anything.

This is Elliot's first movie. She's the director, the camera girl, and the star. I'm an extra. Good times.

More videos of Elliot can be found on my youtube page at the following link:

Everyone go there and rate my videos and leave comments so i can feel important. ;o)


7 want me dead | kill me



mood: thirsty

Entry 2122

Hi guys. I recently put Elliot in a contest for south florida's most beautiful babies run by Sun Sentinel. Anyway, I didn't bother to read the rules till now but i just found out that the babies with the most votes are the ones who get to move on to the finals. Anyway there is only a few days left to vote and so far Elliot has only gotten votes from her mommy and daddy. Two votes is not enough. So please, please, please I'm begging you guys to click on the link and register (it takes two seconds to register and two seconds to vote, i promise it's not a long or complicated process). So please vote. Tell everyone you know to vote. We could win lots of moneys. And I'll love you all forever if Elliot makes it into the finals. Here is the link:


Thanks to everyone who went to the site and voted for Elliot. Elliot and I are very grateful to all of you guys! The voting is now closed and they are counting up the scores so we will know soon whether or not we got enough votes. I'll post it on here as soon as i find out. Again, thanks to everyone who helped out! Even if we don't win, it was totally worth a try. And we still have plenty of other contests going on. One of them we just found out we didn't even make it to the semi-finals and surprisingly the babies in it were not so cute. I don't know how that happened. But that's okay. We're also in the Babytalk/GMA cover contest that I wrote about a long time ago. That's still going on so we still have a shot at it. It's totally up to the judges there so all we can do is cross our fingers. Anyway, if anyone knows of any other baby beauty contests, let me know and I will enter her. She is a beautiful baby so it's all about getting the perfect photo. So thanks again everyone and wish me luck! :o)

8 want me dead | kill me



mood: cheerful

Entry 2116

Elliot is seven months old. She's already standing up. She can't pull herself up yet but if you stand her up and give her something to hold onto, she can remain standing for minutes and could probably stand longer if she didn't keep trying to jump and/or walk. I still remember when all she did was lie around. When she couldn't even hold her head up yet let alone sit up let alone stand. I can't believe how fast she's grown. And if that's not enough, she's already got her first teeth. Two little bitty bottom teeth in the front of her mouth. They aren't completely out yet but we can see them and we can definitely feel them. Poor baby is always drooling like crazy and chewing on everything. But now when she chews on my finger, i have to keep away from the front of her mouth cuz those two little teeth are sharp. I can't wait till they are all the way out and then her top two will come out. She's going to look so different. I find myself looking at her early pictures... the way she looked when i first saw her after they took her out of me (i'm so glad they let jaje take pictures of her and I the first time we met), the way she looked that last day in the hospital (in those professional photos, i'm so happy we were able to get those taken even though they were expensive beyond belief, it was so worth it), and the way she looked those first days home. It's crazy how different she looked then. She was so small and bald. It's funny how I thought she was so beautiful but now I think she's infinitely more beautiful than she used to be. I read my journal entries and it reminded me of how I felt. I was so scared, so confused, so worried that I wouldn't be able to do it. I honestly never thought I'd make it this far. I can't believe i did. That's not to say it's easy but it's so different now. She's more like a person every day and less like a tiny blob that does nothing but eat, shit, and sleep. More and more, she's active and she does new, exciting things all the time. Every time she struggles to learn something new, I am just filled with love for her and amazement at how fast she learns and how hard she tries. She is just so amazing and she never stops. You never know what she'll do next. Her laughter is the most amazing sound i have ever heard in my life and it's contagious, I can't help but laugh back at her. I can't believe that she will soon be walking and talking. Soon her hair will grow longer and curlier (i'm certain it will be curly, i can already see it starting to curl) and she'll look more like a girl. We got her ears pierced so that helps. At her last check-up, in April, she weighed 16lbs10oz and was 25 inches long. That's more than double her birth weight of 7lbs11oz but not much in the way of length (she was 19.5 inches at birth). Looks like she's going to be short and chubby like her mommy. Hopefully she'll get a bit of height from her daddy though. According to a height predictor i found online, she should be about 5'5" as an adult so a couple inches taller than me. That's just perfect and I hope they are right! Jaje is 6ft and i'm 5ft or 5'1. Supposedly, you take the height of the mother and the father, add them together and divide by two. Then you subtract 2 inches for a girl or add 2 inches for a boy. So that would make her 5'4" actually. Which is good too. I think last time i did the math, i thought i was 5'2" and i still want to believe that but I keep measuring in at 5 even and that pisses me off. I'm not that short, dammit! But I am. I just hope Elliot doesn't turn out to be. I don't think they measured her right last time though. They usually stretch her out and they didn't really this time. Plus it doesn't make sense that in 2 months (from her 4 month to her 6 month checkup) she would not grow in height even though she gained 3lbs in that time. She was 24 3/4" at her 4 month checkup and 25" at the 6 month. No way. But anyway, I'm going on and on about something that really isn't important. I'm sorry. I will end this with some pictures. Of Elliot, of course. Who else? :o)

My beautiful little angel learning to stand on her own two feet!

+10Collapse )

I kind of regret not waiting to send the picture in for the babytalk cover contest. The first picture in this post is so beautiful that I probably would have sent that one instead of the one i did send. But it's too late now. Elliot's picture is still not up on the site but I tried to send another picture and was told that only one picture could be entered and they already received mine. So I know they got it. Hopefully, it will be up there soon. I can't wait! Now i'm off to bed. Goodnight lj land.

13 want me dead | kill me



mood: tired

Entry 2114

A baby magazine that I read religiously is holding their annual baby cover contest. Out of thousands of babies, they pick the eight cutest who win an all-expenses-paid trip to New York City for a photo shoot. Then they pick three finalists who get to be on Good Morning America after which people can vote online for their favorite of the three. The winner gets to be on the cover of the November 2009 edition of the magazine.

Anyway, I have been having a major hard time picking out just one picture of Elliot to send in. So I need some help from anyone who still reads this thing... (anyone?). Out of a couple thousands, i was able to narrow it down to just under a thousand then to about 600 and then even further to around 60-something. Now with a little help from Jaje, plus the advice given on the babytalk website, as well as just some hard choices on my part, I have managed to narrow it down to just five. I know, it's crazy. But now I need help to pick the best picture of these five. So I would love it if you all would vote on your favorite. And just for the heck of it, tell me which one is your second favorite too (if you want).

Some things they are looking for are nice big smiles, eyes looking at the camera, a picture that really shows off the baby's personality and shows that she's a happy baby who will photograph well. So just keep that in mind when looking at these. I appreciate anyone who comments and votes. So here are the pictures!






Poll #1382085 Which picture do you think would win the contest?

Which of the five is the best picture?

Picture 1
Picture 2
Picture 3
Picture 4
Picture 5

What do you like about this picture in particular (what sets it apart from the rest)?

Which is your second favorite of these?

Picture 1
Picture 2
Picture 3
Picture 4
Picture 5

Check out Elliot's competition by following this link: http://www.parenting.com/article/Baby/Activities/BabytalkGMA-Cover-Contest-Photo-Galleries-2009

Each "Round" contains 50 babies. And it's only the beginning. The contest is open until May 31st. So there will be thousands of babies by the time this thing is over. I'll update when Elliot's picture goes up (if anyone finds her before I do, leave me a comment to let me know so i can check it out and post it here). Thanks for the help guys! :o)

6 want me dead | kill me



Elliot's four month check up February 3, 2009
6:18 pm
mood: tired

Entry 2108

Elliot turned 4 months old on January 27th and she had her four month check-up with the pediatrician yesterday. She now weighs 13 lbs 10 oz and is 24 3/4 inches long which puts her in the 75% for her age in both height and weight. She got her immunizations (2 shots and one oral) which was hard for me but I did better than last time (i didn't cry this time) and Jaje came with me this time which helped. We also decided to start her on solids so we went and bought some rice cereal and we gave her some last night. She took to it pretty well, much better than I expected. Of course, it was a mess but it was still pretty great. I'm so proud of my baby. I can't believe how fast she's growing up! This morning, she woke up feeling sick and seemed a little warm so i took her temperature. Turns out she had a fever of 101.3. So i gave her some infant's ibuprofen which seemed to help. Attempts to feed her cereal in the morning didn't work out so i just gave her the bottle. Afternoon meal went a little better since she was starting to feel better. Now she's sleeping. Poor baby. I hate to see her feeling so weak and stuff. Even knowing that it's just because of the immunizations. Anyway, here are pictures from her first spoon-feeding cereal experience last night.

spoon-feeding 2


trying to feed herself

first time eating with a spoon

rice cereal beard

13 want me dead | kill me



They grow up so fast! January 3, 2009
4:48 am
mood: excited

Entry 2104

Elliot just rolled over for the first time! I had her laying on her tummy on me and i noticed she was trying to get on her back. So i put her on the playmat on her tummy and she rolled over to her back! I got a video of her doing it but i don't know how to get it off the video camera and onto the computer. It doesn't work when i try to connect it. Once i figure it out, i'll post the video! My little baby is growing up! Next step... crawling! eek!!

i think she may be teething. i know its early but she is always chewing stuff like crazy and sometimes she will cry in pain and the only way to stop her is to give her something to chew. she even chews on the nipple of her bottle when i feed her. also she has been spitting up way more lately than she used to. i have to discuss this with her pediatrician. luckily i made her an appointment for tuesday to get her ears pierced! hurray!

8 want me dead | kill me



Elliot's first new year! January 1, 2009
11:01 pm
mood: sick as shit

Entry 2103

I can't believe she's already 3 months old! And she's sitting up almost by herself now! At least, she does for a few seconds. She's getting there. Anyway, here are the pictures i promised! Elliot's first pictures of 2009! :o)


more pictures behind the cut. so you have to click to see them. muahaha. this way you don't have to see it if you don't want to. so be grateful.Collapse )

6 want me dead | kill me



Happy New Year December 31, 2008
11:44 pm
mood: sad and lonely

Entry 2102

Jaje is working late tonight so he won't be home until after midnight. I'm trying not to let the fact that I don't get to kiss my husband at midnight this year bring me down. On a positive note, this is Elliot's first new years eve. And I have her here to kiss at midnight. I'm going to dress her up really pretty and then i'll take her picture after midnight. It'll be her first picture in 2009. I know it's silly but it's something to do to keep me from getting down about spending new years eve alone. So i'll post her picture in here next year (in a couple minutes hehe). Right now i'm going to go spend the last few minutes of 2008 with my baby. Hope everyone else is having a better night than i am. And hope 2009 is great for everyone! Happy new year all!

6 want me dead | kill me



jaje is the best! December 26, 2008
1:47 pm
mood: loved

Entry 2101

Jaje bought me a ring for christmas. Even though it's simple, it is still beautiful and it's perfect because it shows me that he does care and that he loves me. It is the most wonderful, thoughtful gift anyone has ever gotten me. Because I wanted a ring so badly. I've told him that so many times and i never thought he was listening. But now i know that he was listening. I couldn't be happier! The only downside is we didn't get to spend much time together since he had to work all christmas. In fact, we haven't been spending much time together lately because of work and school. And with the baby, it's really an issue trying to get some quality couple time. Somehow the baby senses when would be the worst possible moment to act out and thats when she does it. Makes it hard to have good sex but we managed somehow. Well she is screaming so i must go. heres a picture of my new ring. its only temporary till he can afford a nicer ring. maybe next christmas!

my new ring

i love my husband! hes the greatest!

3 want me dead | kill me



mood: blah

Entry 2100

The pictures taken of Elliot in the hospital when she was 3 days old were absolutely incredible. So after ordering a package of them, my mom and I decided that it was time to get more professional photos taken of her now that she's older and bigger. We agreed that new pictures should be done about every month for her first year of life since babies change so much from month to month. Anyway, long story short, we heard of a good deal on photos at target and so we took her there. I hate to say that i was pretty disappointed with their work. Granted, my daughter is absolutely beautiful and photogenic so the pictures still look great. But as far as professional photos go, it didn't even compare to the quality and professionalism of the first set (the ones from the hospital). In fact, i hate to say it but i do believe i could do better. Now, I'm nowhere near a professional. I'm probably as good or worse than your average camera-user. I also don't have a very good camera... i have a pretty shitty one. And I don't have the other equipment that they have. Still, I decided on a whim to shoot a couple of cute shots of ellie myself just to compare. I didn't expect them to come out as nice as they did. Had I planned a little more, I would have dressed her up all pretty like I did for the target shoot. But as i said, it was on a whim so she's dressed in her jammies. Anyway, I promised everyone some pictures of my beautiful little model to be. So here they are.

First a couple of pictures from the Target set.
licky lick

little model pose

big smile

funny face baby


mommy kisses

beautiful smile


Yes, it's true that those pictures are beautiful. There are more which can be seen in my photobucket which is here: http://s289.photobucket.com/albums/ll235/mommyducky/Elliot%20Clay/dec%2008/
In fact, all pictures of Elliot are there arranged by month. Now, here are the pictures I took of her myself. I'd like everyone to tell me what they think. I plan to take Elliot to get professional photos done again but not at target. I'm going to try to get the same people who did her photos in the hospital because those were amazing. If you didn't see them, they are the first photos i ever posted of elliot or you can find them in my photobucket in the sept/oct folder. So here we go:

beautiful eyes

little baby angel face

big head


this head is heavy!



model baby!

thumbs up, baby!

hot stuff

oh silly me

chubby cheeks


happy baby

okay, enough with the pictures already!

So, what does everyone think? Keep in mind that my photos are not of such high quality because i have a shit camera. And ignore the outfits... i know she's dressed much prettier in the target photos. Just imagine how good those pictures would be if i had her dressed up nicely and had a better camera. And tell me which set of pictures are nicer. Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings if you think my pictures suck! :o)

15 want me dead | kill me



Vote for Elliot December 12, 2008
5:27 am
mood: hopeful

Entry 2097

I just entered Elliot into a contest. So everyone go vote for her by following this link:

I don't know if it's for real. It might just be a scam. But Elliot would totally deserve to win. I have to take her to an agency or some place when she's a few months older. She takes amazing pictures!

I promise to post some new pictures of her soon. maybe even later tonight. But for right now i just want to update on a couple of things.

Jaje got a job at Papa Johns. He was also working at Steak n shake last week but he quit cuz he hated it and the pay was shit. On monday he is starting school to learn air conditioning repair. He has to go to school from 7am to 1pm monday through friday for a year. Next december, he will graduate with an associates degree in a/c repair and then he can get a real job. I'm very proud of him. Hoping that soon after he graduates, we can have a real wedding. It's better late than never. Maybe i'll even get a real wedding ring. Anyway, now it's my turn to think about school. I'm very excited about Jaje going to school and it makes me want to go too. Plus, I'm so bored with life lately. Every day looks the same. I feel like i'm trapped. I know it's probably too early for me to feel that way. I've not been a wife and mother for very long. But considering my personality, who would be surprised? Anyway, if i don't do something soon... it will overwhelm me. I don't want anything bad to happen so i need to work to prevent that. I have high hopes of a happy future for the three of us. And perhaps we even add another member to our family in another year or two. No, i don't mean getting pregnant again (hell no to that). I'm talking about getting partial or even full custody of Vinny. That would be ideal.

Anyway, this wasn't even supposed to be a real update. But i guess it is. Things are okay. I'm a little bit depressed sometimes. But i'm hopeful. I've been trying to get my milk supply up by taking supplements and i also traded up for a better (more expensive) breast pump. So far it's only been a few days but i already am seeing the difference. No real luck on getting Elliot back to the breast but i'm not going to give up. I knew it would be hard and i'm stubborn.

Speaking of Elliot, she is screaming for my attention right now so i better go. My parents are in Israel now for 5 weeks (they left wed.) so I have nobody to help me. I hope i don't lose it. heh.

8 want me dead | kill me



My life is no longer my own November 22, 2008
12:53 am
mood: hungry

Entry 2095

Elliot's two month birthday is just a couple of days away and i just can not figure out where the time went. It feels like yesterday I saw her for the first time. I remember them lifting her up so i could catch an all too brief glimpse of her. And I remember thinking (and saying) "she's perfect. oh my god. she's perfect" over and over again in my delirious state. After 40some hours, I just couldn't believe she was finally outside of me. And i couldn't believe how incredibly beautiful and, yes, perfect she was. And every day that i spend with her, she just gets more beautiful and more perfect. Her first little smile. The first time she looked me in the eye. The first time she opened her mouth wide in the most beautiful toothless grin i've ever seen. And the adorable little giggle that came along with it. I never knew I could love someone the way i love her. But even with all that, I can't stop my emotions from turning to the dark side. At times, I am overwhelmed by sadness. I don't know why or where it comes from. But i feel like i've lost control of my life. That my life is no longer my own. I've stopped being who I am. I have no time for myself anymore. My whole life has become about her. I have a hard time asking for help and even when I do, it bothers me because i don't think others (even Jaje and my mom) can take care of her as well as I can. I know it's silly but i've fully taken on this role of mother and i don't fully trust anyone else. I worry about everything. Every thing is a potential threat to my little baby and i just want to keep her safe. But in doing so, i've completely given up on taking care of myself. I've spent my whole life being a selfish person and i never even knew i could be anything else. But now i am sacrificing my own happiness and well-being in order to protect and satisfy the needs of someone else. Sometimes, I just have to sneak away and cry. Other times, I just can't control myself enough to sneak away. I've already broken down a couple of times in front of my family. I'm just not sure if I'm handling things correctly. Is it normal to feel so unhappy? It seems like i should be ecstatic all the time. It's not that i thought being a mother would be easy. I just didn't realize the extent of just how difficult it would be. My mom is a big help. Jaje is not so much. But it doesn't matter because i feel like i have to do everything and it's just too much for one person to handle. I love the baby but i just can't do it alone. I know now that i need help and I have to let go of my worries and just let people help me. Otherwise I might just lose my mind. I already feel it happening. I get closer and closer to total meltdown every single day. I love Elliot but I miss my old life. I miss my freedom and I miss being selfish. And i miss the relationship Jaje and I used to have before the baby came. Sometimes I wonder if maybe i made a mistake. If maybe I should have trusted my old self, the person who never wanted children or a husband or any of that crap. I never wanted to be this way and somehow i turned out to be everything i always swore i never would be. Now there is no turning back. And I just can't help but ask myself if maybe I fucked up my life beyond repair. I sometimes think that Elliot saved me from myself and my self-destructive manner. But I'm not too sure I wanted to be saved.

Last week, Jaje got fired from his job. So now we have no money coming in and that's a big issue. And who knows when he'll get another job. I hope it's soon but i'm not too optimistic. My parents are going to drive us crazy when they get back in a couple days. On one hand, i'm ready for my mom to get back cuz i need her help with the baby since Jaje won't do anything. But on the other hand, i'm not ready to deal with their shit again. It was kind of nice being able to do things my own way without her looking over my shoulder and criticizing everything i do.

Well i have to go tend to the baby but before i go i want to post some pictures. That was my original intent before i started this whole rant. So here are some pictures of my angel.

the most beautiful smile

sleepy smiles

Elliot loves the bath

look at that face

sitting in her car seat

she loves to stare at those toys

asleep in the baby carrier after a walk around the block

cross-eyed baby

the elliot stare of doom

sticking out her tongue

happy baby

there's that smile again

Elliot was a cow for halloween. Isn't she the most beautiful cow you've ever seen?




laying in her new crib

and Ellie with her lazy daddy



2 want me dead | kill me



Elliot will be one week old tomorrow! October 3, 2008
10:16 am
mood: exhausted

Entry 2090

Well, i've been home from the hospital for 3 days now. I'm sure nobody is surprised that i haven't been online to check my emails or anything like that. So i'm sure nobody is expecting an apology for any unanswered emails they have sent me in the last week or so. however, i apologize anyway. Crystal, i received your package and i absolutely adore it. It's beautiful. I promise i will take the time to write you back as soon as i can. I hope that's soon but i can't promise anything. Thank you so much though. You are really amazing and i love you! I've just had absolutely no time to do absolutely anything! No lie! I was well aware that taking care of a baby was a full time job and i knew it was going to be exhausting. But knowing is not the same as knowing. And only those of you with kids really know what i'm talking about. I thought i knew what being exhausted meant but i was wrong. But it's more than just being tired, not having a second of quiet time for myself let alone time to spend with my husband, and i'm not even going to talk about the pain of recovering from a c-section (not till later). I've got to admit, i may have a mild case of post-partum depression going on because i've been unable to stop the flow of tears sometimes. It's all so new to me. Why does she cry? Why won't she eat? Is she cold? Is she hot? Should I pick her up or put her down? My mother is a huge help while at the same time being a complete and total pain in my ass. I'd probably collapse under the pressure if it wasn't for her help. Yet at the same time, she is constantly questioning and rejecting every idea/belief/desire i have for my baby as though my opinion matters as much as that of a local bum trying to tell HER how to raise HER baby. It seems that nothing I do, short of beating her over the head with a hammer, will make her realize that this baby is MINE and the choices are MINE to make. But all I can do is just be grateful that she is willing to watch the baby for a couple hours so that i can attempt some sleep. I have learned a lot even in such a short time. Like the range of emotions that I'm able to feel that I never even imagined. From the intense love i feel for my daughter to the most horrible feeling of just wanting life to stop so i can take a break. Not going so far as to say i want to hurt myself. Just that i've had way too many moments where i just believe i'm not really capable of performing as a mother. That this little person could depend so completely on me and that I could fail her in such a devestating way... it's too much for me to handle sometimes. I know right now all she does is eat and sleep for the most part... how bad could i mess up now? But it feels as though if i make the tiniest of mistakes now... she will suffer greatly for it in the future and not only that but will know it was my fault and resent me forever. Yes, i know, it's insane to think that way. My thoughts and emotions have been out of control lately. I guess you can say I'm learning my limits now. But at the same time, i'm learning that i'm capable of things that i never imagined before. Like dealing with excruciating pain (from the pain of contractions to the pain of recovering from c-section... these are types of pain far greater than i ever imagined possible, let alone felt). I learned that i can get by on very little sleep and that just a few hours can be a miracle when you've gone days without so much as a 5 minute nap. I learned that the baby will sleep soundly for as long as i'm awake and then start screaming her head off the second i lay down to get some rest. And that sometimes, she cries for no reason or at least not one i can figure out. Also I learned that there's not much i can't do when i hear my baby cry. It's as though i turn into a different person who cares only about one thing: make the crying stop. And no belief/idea/desire/conviction is strong enough to outlive the need to make the crying stop. I realized how easily i will give up or give in just to keep her quiet. Like pumping milk into a bottle because she has trouble latching on properly and ends up destroying my nipple if i feed her directly from the breast. I was so desperate to breastfeed her but this is a compromise that i can live with since she's at least still getting my milk. Also, i must admit to feeding her formula a couple times despite the fact that i'm wholly against it just because she was hungry and she wouldn't stop screaming and i had no milk pumped and had to feed her NOW. I hated myself immensely for giving in to that urge but it was only a little bit and she's fine and now back to exclusively drinking breast milk again. The formula didn't sit right with her anyway and my milk is flowing freely now so it's not an issue. Giving her a pacifier despite all the advice against it... because she seems to need it and sometimes it's the only thing that can calm her. I figured this out when she started sucking on my finger one day and realized that any time she screamed, a finger in her mouth was the only way to calm her. So jaje ran out in the middle of the night a couple nights ago and bought a binky. She's been using it ever since and it just makes things so much easier on me. I worry that these things make me a bad mother. That i've given in so easily to tempations such as the bottle and the pacifier (things i swore up and down i wouldn't use). Maybe i'm a hypocrite. I just want my baby to be happy and calm. Hearing her screaming her head off causes me actual physical pain as well as turning me into a nervous wreck. So it's probably healthier for me to allow myself some room to breathe when it comes to these types of things. After all, I'm new at this and still have a lot to learn.

In related news, i'm having a very difficult time dealing with the issue of the c-section. I'm in a lot of pain as a result of it. Physically and emotionally. At first i felt like such a failure, having been unable to birth my daughter vaginally. But i know now that wasn't my fault. Still, i feel like i rushed into it after 40 hours of unsuccessful attempts to get her out of me. I was just tired and scared and out of it. I didn't know what to think except that i wanted this baby out of me so it could be over. Now the recovery is extremely painful. And exhausting. Everything I do hurts. Walking hurts, coughing hurts, laughing hurts, basically everything hurts. It kind of feels like someone opened me up, took everything out of me, and then just shoved it back in haphazardly. Trying to take care of my baby when i'm in such pain is difficult. It's hard to get sleep in the few short hours that i have. As though i really need another reason not to sleep. I'm just so tired that sometimes the physical pain and my insecurites about raising this child just become too much for me to handle. And i can't keep myself from crying. At least i've got some painkillers. The funny thing is that I just stopped taking subutex and already i'm back on the pain killers. If i wasn't in so much pain, i might be concerned. But really, who wants to try to deal with being cut open and not having anything to ease the pain. I don't think so. The hospital tried giving me some other medications which were non-narcotic/non-habit forming (non-working) but of course that just didn't cut it. Now they've got me on percocets just like everyone else who had c-sections. But of course, they didn't give me enough. They probably don't realize that i need more than the average person. So they gave me 800mg ibuprofin to supplement... like that's really going to work. Oh well. I'm dealing with the pain fairly well if i must say so myself. After all, i'm pretty much taking care of this baby myself since Jaje is at work most of the time. I feed her, change her diaper, sing to her, rock her to sleep... all this despite the mad amounts of pain that i feel. I think that's pretty good. Besides the pain, I am very uncomfortable with all the weirdness going on with my body right now. I can't believe how swollen i am. From my face all the way to my feet. I'm just so damn bloated and i don't know what to do about it. I'm also very freaked out about the cut even though i think i've done a decent job taking care of it so far. Also i hate the way my body looks and i'm afraid it will never look good again. Just everything seems to be out of place and i feel so ugly and fat and disgusting. Oh well, it's not like i have any reason to want to feel sexy anyway. I'm not allowed to have sex for 4-6 weeks and anyway i can't imagine wanting to do it. It doesn't matter though.

Anyway, i have so much more I could say and want to say but i just realized i should be asleep. Soon elliot will wake up again and i just wasted a good hour that i could have been sleeping while she is sleeping. So i will leave you with some pictures of her. These are elliot's first pictures taken by a professional photographer at the hospital on her 3rd day of life just before we left the hospital. I think the photographer did an amazing job and the pictures look beautiful. Of course, I also think that my baby would look beautiful no matter what. She's like a little angel. Anyway... here they are!




You can also view these pictures, as well as some info about Elliot, by following this link:
Click here to see Elliot's page

More pictures coming soon. Jaje and my parents took plenty of pictures. I just have to upload them. And of course i have a few pictures to take myself. So expect lots of pictures coming in the future. As soon as i have some free time! Also, i hope to answer all your emails and comments in the near future too. But first, i must get some sleep. So goodnight all! Leave some comments for Elliot and me. I will make sure to pass them on to her. :o)

33 want me dead | kill me



Welcome to the world Elliot!!! September 29, 2008
10:40 pm
mood: in pain and extremely exhausted but very happy

Entry 2089

And here's the story for anyone who is interested.... (shortest possible version)...

I got to Broward General Medical Center to be induced on Friday at 7:30am. Got checked in and was in my room by 8am. Started the induction by putting a pill up inside me sometime around 11am. This continued for 12 hours before i was finally dilated enough to start me on pitocin. Then hours of pain! Finally they gave me an epidural and i was only like 2 cms dilated by that point. It was already past 24 hours of me being in the hospital. So Saturday night, I'm still not progressing well enough despite the massive amounts of pitocin. Finally, around 11pm Saturday night (count the hours... from 7:30am friday to 11pm Saturday...), the doctor tells me that she's too big and i'm not going to be able to have a vaginal delivery. So they take me in for a c-section. Elliot was born Saturday, Sept. 27th at 11:26pm. She weighed in at 7lbs 11oz (exactly like her daddy did when he was born) and 19.5 inches long. She looks exactly (I mean exactly) like her daddy. She's absolutely beautiful! Pictures will come soon. I've now been in the hospital so long that i don't even know what day it is. I haven't gotten any sleep in ages. I am in so much pain from my belly to my poor sore nipples (i'm breastfeeding exclusively). But it's all worth it because i have the most beautiful baby girl in the whole world! And I get percocets for the pain which isn't much but it's something. And i get released from the hospital sometime tomorrow night! I can't wait to be at home... to take a shower... and sleep... and do whatever else i want to do. Walking is difficult. I haven't gotten to take a real shower but i imagine it won't be easy at first. I only am just now able to get out of bed and use the bathroom without assistance. Eating is difficult too. Basically, there's a lot of pain and discomfort involved in having a baby... especially by c-section. I really would have rather delivered vaginally but after 40 hours with barely any progress, i was just so ready to have her out of me that i was almost going to ask for a c-section myself. Not really though. When he told me i had to have one, i started crying... i was so upset. But once I saw that beautiful baby, nothing even mattered. I just love her to death. Anyway, it's time for me to spend some time with my husband and baby. So I will post more later. Just wanted to let everyone know that Elliot was born and she's healthy and beautiful and amazing. Jaje is holding her now! It's such a beautiful sight. I love Elliot and Jaje!!! My family is now complete!

9 want me dead | kill me



New hospital outfit September 21, 2008
2:27 am
mood: awake

Entry 2087

I got a new outfit today which I think i like more than the original outfit i picked to be "Elliot's hospital outfit" aka "Elliot's first outfit" hehe. Anyway, it's ducky stuff (who is surprised?). It's the most adorable white outfit with matching cap and i also got matching booties and mittens as well as an adorable blankie that also matches. It's the perfect complete outfit to bring her home in. I personally love it. But I'd like to hear everyone's opinions on it. So i've included pictures of the new outfit and then a picture of the other outfit for comparison purposes. I know i just posted the other one yesterday but i want people to see them near each other in the same entry to tell me which one they like better. So everyone leave me a comment and tell me which one you would choose of the two! :o)

pictures behind the cutCollapse )

Update!!! I'm definitely going with the ducky one! I love it! Thanks guys! I'm glad you all like it too! :o)

13 want me dead | kill me



mood: pregnant (anxious to meet my daughter)

Entry 2085

I went to the maternity ward today to get checked out. Currently, my cervix is pretty much closed, 50% effaced, and baby is at -2 station. This means she's not likely to come out for at least another couple days. So they scheduled me to be induced on Friday, Sept. 26th. That's a week from tomorrow. As frustrating as it is to think I might have to wait a whole week, it's not that bad. At least I know that she will definitely be here by that day if not sooner. So all i can do is wait and hope she comes out on her own. The good news is that she is looking great and healthy, her heartbeat is sounding perfect, and she's as active as she need to be. So I really have nothing to worry about. I got to see her on the ultrasound again which was really great. She's so big now! I hope she hurries her little butt out already! hehe.

For anyone who is interested, I uploaded pictures of the outfit i bought for Elliot yesterday. This is probably going to be her hospital outfit unless i find something i like more in the coming days. But for now, this is the one i picked out for her. I think it's absolutely adorable!

hospital outfit

It's got a onesie, pants, and a hooded jacketCollapse )

What do you all think? Is it cute enough for baby's going home outfit? I'm going to be shopping more in the next few days so i might find something else that I like more. I picked this out kind of in a hurry because i wanted to have something in case i went into labor before i had a chance to really go shopping. But since i seem to have more time now, i can look more. If i don't find something i like more than this, then i'll just use this one. Tomorrow, my cousin is bringing me his daughter's crib and maybe some other baby stuff. I'm very excited about that cuz I don't have very much baby stuff yet (because of my parents religious crap)! So yayy! Things are really starting to happen! I can't wait! I hope she comes out on her own so i don't have to be induced (and wait)!

16 want me dead | kill me



mood: tired

Entry 2078

this isn't a real update. just so you know.

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

19 want me dead | kill me



News? July 26, 2008
6:22 pm
mood: lethargic

Entry 2077

Well, we're back in Plantation. Staying at my parents. They are in Israel till mid August. Nothing really going on yet. If anyone wants to contact me, you can do so. My phone number is still the same as it always was. If you don't have the number, let me know and I'll get it to you. If you call and there's no answer, please leave me a message. I'd be happy to get together with you guys here in the area so just get in touch with me somehow.

In other news, I'm about 32 weeks now so not much time left. I don't know, I'm very conflicted emotionally about it. I'm terrified and also excited. I'm ready for the baby to come out already but also kind of sad as it marks the end, not only of my pregnancy but also of a bigger chapter of my life. I feel like I have to be a whole different person now... a mother. And I've still not fully adjusted to the idea of having other people in my life that I care about. I'm just so used to only worrying about myself and taking care of myself. Now there's someone new who relies 100% on me and the sacrifices I make for her benefit. I just hope that I'm ready to accept that once she comes out. I have so many worries and concerns but I'm not ready to share them with the world yet. I just hope that I don't fuck this one up too badly.

I should really take some pictures so you all can see how huge I am. I finally got to see myself in a full length mirror (since we didn't have one at our house) and it was quite a shock. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. But I definitely don't feel sexy or beautiful as they say on discovery health and baby magazines that you should. I just feel huge and gross. Surprisingly (and luckily), this hasn't hurt our sex life in the least. I just try not to let it get to me too much by avoiding the full length mirror and not thinking about how huge I am. Even though it's really hard. Jaje's gained a ton of sympathy weight though which is both sad and amusing. Personally, I think it's cute. Once the baby comes, we're going to both need to lose weight so it'll be nice to be able to do it together. I used to ponder how it worked that people would stay together through getting older, fatter, and uglier. But I think I finally understand it now because I know I will love him no matter what. Even with his big old belly and man titties. He'll always be beautiful to me. But I'm giving him 6 months after Elliot's born to lose the titties. And myself to lose enough of the fat that I can actually look good in a wedding dress. Because I want to. And I think I deserve to have a real wedding. A nice one. With a pretty dress, guests, flowers, cake, and all. My mom wants to do it in Israel which is fine as long as she pays for everything. Then my whole family will be there and we'll buy a beautiful dress for Elliot (but not a pink one!!)!! Speaking of which, I'm setting a strict rule right now because I've seen too much of this and it bothers me. Anyone buying baby gifts for Elliot, please no pink. Purple is okay. Jaje loves purple. Red is perfectly fine too. I prefer blue or green. Also black. And if there's a little bit of pink in there, it's fine. But I gaurantee that anything I get which is pink in majority will be returned (if possible) or thrown/given away (if it can't be returned/exchanged). Pink dresses are definitely out of the question. Pink toys are just.... ick. I know everyone thinks "pink" when they hear "girl" but if you know anything about me (and even if you don't know much) then you should know I don't like that. That's partly why I wanted a boy. I'm not into girly girl stuff. And hopefully, Elliot won't be either. If I wanted a girly girl, I'd name her Ashley or Amber or Elizabeth (i don't know, whatever girly names are popular now). That's why I chose Elliot. I know most people don't agree but I think it's a beautiful name. Oh yeah, I looked up Elliot and Clay on baby name finder to see what they mean so I thought I'd share it here with everyone (in case you're curious like I was).


Hebrew Origin, Male, Form of ELIJAH meaning Lord is my God. Formerly a surname.


Teutonic Origin, Male, Meaning Mortal.

It's kind of funny. I don't like the meaning behind Elliot because I don't believe in God. But I still love the name and I'm stuck on it so I'm not going to change it. She will be Elliot Clay Garibaldi. I will not budge on this issue. Eeek I have heartburn. People said that means Elliot is going to be really hairy. Which makes sense since she's got very hairy parents. I imagine she'll look something like I did when i was born. Chubby cheeks and a head full of dark curls. I was adorable as a baby (and look how ugly i turned out.. hehe). If I can find pictures, I'll post them here and then when Elliot comes out, we can compare how much she looks like baby me. And I should get baby pictures of Jaje from his mom too. Just for fun. It's amazing how much Vincent looks like him. You can see the resemblance anyway, of course, but when you look at Jaje's baby pictures, it's like they are almost identical. One thing's for sure, you don't need a test to know he's his father. haha. And I bet Elliot will be the same way. I have a feeling she's going to have his nose and his mouth. We shall see. When my mom gets back, I'm going to do a 3D ultrasound to get better pictures.

Anyway, I need someone to pay for my livejournal account before it expires in a couple days. I've had a paid account forever and I'd cry if I lost it now. Boohoo.

In sad news, my mom gave away Junior (my puppy). He was in israel for a long time, she finally brought him back here and when she found out that I had left town, she gave him away just to be a bitch and hurt me. Her reasoning is flawed and her story is full of holes. All I know (and care about) is that she gave away my fucking dog because she's an evil bitch. And I can't get over it. I found his clothes and doggie treats in the closet so I called her up to ask what the deal was with that and she told me. I don't think I will ever forgive her for doing this to me. She says that she will try to get him back. So i'm working the guilt on her extra hard. I want my dog back. It feels like she gave away my baby. I love that dog and I'm not going to quit until I get him back. I don't want another dog. How would she feel if i took my baby (after giving her some time with her) and disappeared and she never got to see her again. I don't think she'd like it. So i'm going to be on her case about it until she gets my baby Junior back. I will not tolerate her bullshit. I've been depressed as hell since i found out. I just want to cry every time i think about it. Ugh. Okay enough of this. I can't let myself get depressed again.

I'm gonna stop now. I really didn't expect that I'd have this much shit to write about. It's mostly nonsense anyway so just ignore it. I'm going to go find my rolaids. Someone call or text me. I'm free for another 7 weeks or so and then who knows when I'll ever have time to see the world again. hehe. But seriously, call me if you're in south florida and want to hang out (or if you're somewhere else and just want to say hi). I miss you guys (you know who you are)! Love you all!

12 want me dead | kill me



mood: sleepy / moody

Entry 2076

I know I haven't updated or been online for awhile. I just wanted to put up a quick note here because I don't get online much. So for anyone who thinks i'm ignoring them or neglecting them, it's not on purpose. If you've sent me email and i haven't replied, it's only because I haven't had a chance to get online and check my email yet. But i promise I will email you back. Crystal, I got your letter and postcard. I hope you got the letter that I sent. I promise I will send you another one soon. I love getting mail from you. It brightens my day! I will email you too as soon as i get a chance to get into my email again. The thing is that Jaje and I have been spending all our time together and he gets bored if I go online. Since our telly broke, we pretty much have to entertain each other and since neither of us are working right now, we are always together. Hopefully, he'll be working very soon and then i'll have time for myself to do things that I want to do. I hope you're not mad at me for not being around.

Not much is really going on right now. Today we went to court to stop Jaje's license from getting suspended. They said he has to find a job and start paying his child support right away (within 30 days) and he won't get his license suspended. So that's good news. We're moving back to Broward county sometime in the next few days. My parents are in Israel until middle of August. So we're gonna stay at their apartment till they get back and then hopefully find our own place. So Jaje better have a job by the end of this month. It's going to be hard for me to get used to him not being around me 24/7 like he is now. But it'll probably be really great for both of us to spend some time away from each other. Anyway, that's pretty much what's up now. There's only about 10 weeks left before Elliot Clay joins our little family. I'm sure it'll go by super fast just like the rest of this pregnancy has. I'm super excited. I'll try to post a better update when I have more time and after I am able to read and respond to all my emails.

If anyone in Tampa wants to hang out before we leave, give me a call. Or anyone in Ft. Lauderdale/Plantation who wants to hang out, let me know and I'll be in touch with you when I get back there.

And that's the end of this update. I have to go take a nap or something because i am so tired and jaje is bitching at me and I'm about to lose it if I don't get some sleep. I love you all! Hope everything is going well. Talk to you soon! <3

8 want me dead | kill me



mood: starving

Entry 2075

Anyone who read my last entry already knows that Jaje and I went to the hospital yesterday and had baby and me checked out as well as an ultrasound done. You will also know that the baby's sex was finally revealed to us. If you don't know yet, you are about to find out. It's a girl! We also got pictures from the ultrasound. So, without further delay, here are the first in what I'm sure will be a huge collection of pictures of Elliot Clay Garibaldi (seen below at week 28 of my pregnancy).

Elliot&apos;s Face
Look at that beautiful face! We think she's gonna have her daddy's nose and mouth. At least she won't have the jew nose. hehe.

Elliot&apos;s Profile
This one is a profile of her head. Look at the size of that thing! I don't know how she's going to fit that huge head through the small exit that's available. She might want to think about planning an alternate route of escape (or shrinking her head). Teehee. I kid. But seriously, ouch! That's gonna hurt coming out!

Elliot&apos;s Foot
That's her little itty bitty footsie! Isn't it cute!? Despite the tiny cuteness, this baby can kick pretty damn hard! hehe.

It&apos;s a girl!
I honestly have no clue what this is a picture of. If you notice on top it says "girl" and then there is a little arrow pointing to something which Jaje says are her girly bits but I don't know about that. It just doesn't look right. If anyone cares to offer their thoughts/interpretations/opinions/comments/etc. I'd be happy to hear them. I wish I'd thought to ask the doctor or nurse what it was.

Anyway, that's it. Elliot Clay's first pictures. According to all tests and procedures, both her and I are healthy and the pregnancy is moving along well with no complications. The ultrasound shows that she's due to be born around Sept 17th. She currently weighs 2.5 pounds. I will make another (friends-only) post later on. I just wanted to make the pictures available for anyone who cares to see them. So there they are. Now I'm going to go eat my lunch before it gets cold. Jaje made me spaghetti! :o)

14 want me dead | kill me



Post from Tampa General Hospital June 27, 2008
6:10 am
mood: tired / nervous / excited

Entry 2074

I haven't posted in awhile. So I've been laying on a hospital bed for a couple hours now. With an IV in my arm. And a bunch of other things connected to me, one of which is monitoring my baby's heartbeat. So I've been listening to the heartbeat for a few hours now. Everything seems to be fine with me and baby so far. Just a few minutes away from doing an ultrasound and finally finding out the sex! How exciting! I will have to update again once I find out! Anyway, this isn't a real post cuz i'm not in the mood or position to be typing a whole bunch about what's going on. But ill update more later when i'm done with the hospital. I've been here since about 1am and it's now past 6am so I'm hoping to be out very soon! Just waiting for the people who do the ultrasound to get here. I guess that's my fault for coming in the middle of the night. But it's all good. I'm glad I came! At least they have a telly. And jaje is with me. Plus we brought the laptop which is also good! So yeah, everything is good so far! Hopefully, it'll stay good. hehe. Well, that's all for now. More to come later! Let's hope for a healthy baby! :o)

Update: It's a girl. She's healthy and happy and totally adorable. Weighs about 2.5 pounds. Due sept 19th. Pictures and more of an update coming soon!

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

11 want me dead | kill me



mood: cheerful (half-married)

Entry 2063

We went and filled out an application to get married. Now we just have to wait till monday and go back and get married. So we're halfway married already and monday we'll be all the way married!


Then i can change my name on my drivers license and all that fun stuff!!

Who wants to come to our wedding ceremony monday afternoon? :-D

10 want me dead | kill me



My baby is hyperactive April 10, 2008
6:02 pm
mood: cold and sleepy

Entry 2062

I heard my baby today. I only got to hear her heartbeat very briefly because she refused to stay still. But i did get to hear her kicking and rolling around in there, making lots of noise. She's a hyper little one. Just like her daddy. It was a relief to find out that she is strong and healthy and her heartbeat is healthy as well. All my blood work shows that I am also healthy so baby and I are both doing great!

I should be able to feel her moving around in another 2 weeks or so. My ultrasound is scheduled for April 25th so I will get to finally see her and confirm the sex.

Daddy and I love you very much, baby Elliot. We can't wait to meet you.

Jaje and I decided to get legally married right away so we'll probably do it monday since he works tomorrow. And that's the news for now. I'm going to go watch the simpsons with my husband.

2 want me dead | kill me



i love my husband April 10, 2008
2:51 am
mood: exhausted but excited

Entry 2061

i'm teaching jaje how to use livejournal. everyone should check out the post he wrote about me:


i have the best man in the whole world!

as a side note, i have a slight suspicion that i might be having twins. there's a very real possibility since my grandmother was a twin and there are also twins on jaje's side. Plus, it would explain why i've gotten so big already. i think it would be really cool. Even though having one baby is probably more than i can handle already, the idea of having twins is really exciting. I guess I will find out tomorrow. I have a doctors appointment in the morning and i will get to hear my baby's (or babies) heartbeat (or heartbeats). I'm very excited. If I have a boy and a girl, they will be thomas moti and elliot clay garibaldi. If i have two boys, i'm not sure what i'll name the second boy except that his middle name is going to be Jack (after Jaje's father). I'll let Jaje pick his first name since I picked Thomas Moti. Anyway, i'm getting way ahead of myself here. I will post an update tomorrow after my doctor's appointment.

Everybody who hasn't already, should add Jaje (theperfecthigh) to their friends list so he can have lots of friends. And leave him happy comments. Then I can maybe get him more into it and get him posting more often. :o)

i love you, mr fluffybottom, my wonderfully amazing, sexy husband!


Malli and Elliot Garibaldi

1 want me dead | kill me



mood: furious / upset

Entry 2060

Hey kids. I made a new screen name on aim. If you'd like to message me, i'll probably be on this new name at least until i get sick of it. The new name is mommyducky9 (9 because my baby is due in september. So if you want to get in touch with me on aol instant messenger, you can catch me on that name. mommyducky9.

yesterday, jaje and i saw a family of ducks. a mommy, a daddy, and 14 babies. Then we saw a stupid asshole crane come by and ate 3 of the babies. it made me cry. and now he just ate another one. and the mother ducky can't do anything about it. i tried throwing rocks at it but it just keeps flying away. now there are only 6 or 7 left. I have to find a way to catch one of them so i can take him home and take care of him. I don't know how i'm gonna do it but i'm gonna find a way to catch one and make him my pet and name him quackers. fuck you asshole crane. i hope you die a slow painful death. i wish i had a gun so i could shoot you right in your shitty ducky-eating head. motherufucker. i am so upset right now, i could kill. grrrr. anyway, that's all. i'm off.



Love love love March 28, 2008
5:24 am
mood: cheerful

Entry 2056

Jaje and I moved out of our apartment. We are staying at my parents since they are in Israel until the end of April. It's fucking fantastic. No more annoying roommate. No rent. No bills. It rocks!

Plus, Jaje got me a ring so now I have proof that we're engaged. It's not like the expensive ring my mom let us borrow before but it's so much better because he bought it for me and it's mine and i love it. I'm so happy. I love him so much. And i love my baby, Elliot Clay Garibaldi. And I can't wait to be Mrs. Garibaldi. I don't need anything or anyone else as long as I have my incredible husband and my beautiful baby. I love you both so much.

12 want me dead | kill me



expected due date March 27, 2008
1:05 pm
mood: excited

Entry 2055

my baby is due to enter the world on September 19, 2008.

8 want me dead | kill me



i love you, baby March 9, 2008
9:54 pm
mood: love

Entry 2053

i read in a pregnancy book that my baby can hear me when i talk. so when im alone, i talk to her. i tell her how much i love her and i cant wait to see her. i talk about stuff we're gonna do together, like go to disney. or i tell her how great her daddy is and how excited we are to be a family. sometimes i sing to her. its a good feeling. i am so anxious now to start showing and to be able to hear her heartbeat and to feel her moving around inside me. and i know its a long way off but i cant wait to meet her and hold her in my arms. im sure she will be beautiful. i never thought i could want something like this. but i guess ive changed because now there is nothing i want more. i hope i can give my baby everything she needs. its amazing that i can feel this kind of love and connection from something i can not even see yet. but i feel it. its such an incredible feeling.

16 want me dead | kill me



waah February 28, 2008
12:28 am

Entry 2052

morning sickness sucks so hard. i know why its called morning sickness. every day without fail, as soon as i get out of bed, i vomit. before i can even attempt to do anything else. i do get sick occasionally throughout the day but mornings are the worst. i hope what ive been told is true that it goes away after the first trimester. that means i only have to deal with this for less than a month. woohoo. i love you little baby but stop making me sick please. hehe. im happy today.

19 want me dead | kill me



my boobs are fucking huge now! February 9, 2008
1:18 am

Entry 2045

Seriously, I just noticed how big they have gotten in the last month. it's sheer madness. but moving on, i realized it's a pain in the ass trying to use lj on my phone. making posts is okay but anything else takes eternity. so until i get to a computer, i may not comment or reply to comments. this does not mean i dont love you. i appreciate any comments people want to leave me and i promise i will get them eventually (hopefully soon). Anyone who was freaked out by my last few posts, dont worry. everything is just fine now. just call it temporary insanity. jaje and i are gonna party tonight. tomorrow is my day off. hurray. jaje has to work all day though. boo. anyway i need to charge my phone. if anyone wants to call or text me tonight, please do. ill be up all night. you can find my number ina recent friends only post. i dont feel like posting it again. okay im going to wait for my love to get home. hope everyone is doing great. maybe ill do a voice post later.

7 want me dead | kill me



posting from my phone February 2, 2008
2:59 pm
mood: accomplished

Entry 2040

this is a test. if you are reading this... SUCCESS! i can access lj from my phone! Sweet!

5 want me dead | kill me



when i'm dead, i won't feel any pain. January 27, 2008
9:05 pm
mood: emotional / moody

Entry 2037

i missed my music so much.

why am i so moody and emotional lately?


4 want me dead | kill me



January 25, 2008
7:29 pm
mood: crappy

Entry 2034

my parents are assholes. i probably won't be able to get online for a long time. my dad won't let me on his computer and mine doesn't work. my brother is letting me use his but it turns off randomly and barely works also. fuck it. i don't even care anymore. about anything.

i think i got a job. at rainforest cafe in the mall. i had an interview today and they told me to come in for orientation on monday.

i still haven't gone to the clinic. i have to do that next week. i need vitamins. i threw up today. that was pleasant.

i better post this before the computer shuts off again. it's already happened twice.

12 want me dead | kill me