Ducky Lee (thisisnotmylj) wrote,
Ducky Lee

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My life is no longer my own

Elliot's two month birthday is just a couple of days away and i just can not figure out where the time went. It feels like yesterday I saw her for the first time. I remember them lifting her up so i could catch an all too brief glimpse of her. And I remember thinking (and saying) "she's perfect. oh my god. she's perfect" over and over again in my delirious state. After 40some hours, I just couldn't believe she was finally outside of me. And i couldn't believe how incredibly beautiful and, yes, perfect she was. And every day that i spend with her, she just gets more beautiful and more perfect. Her first little smile. The first time she looked me in the eye. The first time she opened her mouth wide in the most beautiful toothless grin i've ever seen. And the adorable little giggle that came along with it. I never knew I could love someone the way i love her. But even with all that, I can't stop my emotions from turning to the dark side. At times, I am overwhelmed by sadness. I don't know why or where it comes from. But i feel like i've lost control of my life. That my life is no longer my own. I've stopped being who I am. I have no time for myself anymore. My whole life has become about her. I have a hard time asking for help and even when I do, it bothers me because i don't think others (even Jaje and my mom) can take care of her as well as I can. I know it's silly but i've fully taken on this role of mother and i don't fully trust anyone else. I worry about everything. Every thing is a potential threat to my little baby and i just want to keep her safe. But in doing so, i've completely given up on taking care of myself. I've spent my whole life being a selfish person and i never even knew i could be anything else. But now i am sacrificing my own happiness and well-being in order to protect and satisfy the needs of someone else. Sometimes, I just have to sneak away and cry. Other times, I just can't control myself enough to sneak away. I've already broken down a couple of times in front of my family. I'm just not sure if I'm handling things correctly. Is it normal to feel so unhappy? It seems like i should be ecstatic all the time. It's not that i thought being a mother would be easy. I just didn't realize the extent of just how difficult it would be. My mom is a big help. Jaje is not so much. But it doesn't matter because i feel like i have to do everything and it's just too much for one person to handle. I love the baby but i just can't do it alone. I know now that i need help and I have to let go of my worries and just let people help me. Otherwise I might just lose my mind. I already feel it happening. I get closer and closer to total meltdown every single day. I love Elliot but I miss my old life. I miss my freedom and I miss being selfish. And i miss the relationship Jaje and I used to have before the baby came. Sometimes I wonder if maybe i made a mistake. If maybe I should have trusted my old self, the person who never wanted children or a husband or any of that crap. I never wanted to be this way and somehow i turned out to be everything i always swore i never would be. Now there is no turning back. And I just can't help but ask myself if maybe I fucked up my life beyond repair. I sometimes think that Elliot saved me from myself and my self-destructive manner. But I'm not too sure I wanted to be saved.

Last week, Jaje got fired from his job. So now we have no money coming in and that's a big issue. And who knows when he'll get another job. I hope it's soon but i'm not too optimistic. My parents are going to drive us crazy when they get back in a couple days. On one hand, i'm ready for my mom to get back cuz i need her help with the baby since Jaje won't do anything. But on the other hand, i'm not ready to deal with their shit again. It was kind of nice being able to do things my own way without her looking over my shoulder and criticizing everything i do.

Well i have to go tend to the baby but before i go i want to post some pictures. That was my original intent before i started this whole rant. So here are some pictures of my angel.

the most beautiful smile

sleepy smiles

Elliot loves the bath

look at that face

sitting in her car seat

she loves to stare at those toys

asleep in the baby carrier after a walk around the block

cross-eyed baby

the elliot stare of doom

sticking out her tongue

happy baby

there's that smile again

Elliot was a cow for halloween. Isn't she the most beautiful cow you've ever seen?




laying in her new crib

and Ellie with her lazy daddy


Tags: an all consuming love, anxiety, elliot, halloween, jaje, life, pictures, rants
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