Mood: apathetic / hateful / wanting to die / fuck you
don't read this, i've taken way too many xanax
i took somewhere close to 20 xanax... maybe more. so if i ever fall asleep, i may be lucky enough to stay that way. I know, I should take more. I probably will. As soon as i'm done with this because it's hard enough to type already and they haven't really kicked in yet. maybe a little, they have. what do you care. soon i'll go lie down. i just wanted to post in my journal for some reason. i had the fucking urge. and i want to tell you all that mostly everything i have said in my life have been lies. i'm the biggest liar in the world. When i was younger, i knew what i wanted. but i grew up. you promised me we'd never get old, peter pan. But you got old too didn't you. Grown a little senile, did you? In some home for people who are dying of old age and dementia. I won't let that happen to me. Fuck it all. I never wanted to be a mother. ask anyone who knew me like 2 or 3 or more years ago. I never wanted to get married. I wish I'd never met jaje. that would have solved both problems. i only bring us down. i only make life a disaster.it's all my faultl. but i can't love the way you people love. I dont love anyone. I'm sorry. I wish I was normal. Not really. I''m sorry mommy that i wasn't the perfect daughter you wanted. The 5 ft 5, size 0, cheerleader, popular girl in school type. I'm sorry I didn't go to parties and get wasted and fuck random guys whose names I didn't know. Oh and got the best grades at the same time because i was beautiful and beautiful people get everything. it's not my fault. i didn't choose to be born and i didn't choose to be the way i am. All I ever want to do every second of my life is still a needle in a vein and watch the blood mix with the dope right before i pushed the plunger. THAT is what i want to do with my life. Until I die. Fuck you all. I have to go now. Goodnight. I know I will wake up in the morninig wishing i had a needle and some dope. After all it's only been like 3 years and i never wanted to quit. I had no choice. It's the only true regret i have. Which lead to the regret of bringing a child into the world. REALLY BIGGEST mistake i ever made. I'm sorry. Goodnight.