Ducky Lee (thisisnotmylj) wrote,
Ducky Lee

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I'm back in the world of the living again.... woohoo(?)

Well friends.... do i have any friends out there? I know it's been a very long time since i've posted on this journal. But I can only say that I have been going through a lot of difficult times. For example, about a week or two ago, the powers that be chose to take me away but as you can see, I am back. I just had some sort of seizure and my heart stopped but jaje called an ambulance and I was taken to a hospital where I spent a few days. I can't tell you the number of days because I don't remember the first couple of days at all. Things that I remember didn't really happen and things that happened... well, i don't remember. I was in another world. But now I'm back on this one again. So hello everyone. I can't say it's good to be back. Part of me wishes mother earth had just taken me for good. But I have a daughter who will be turning two years old in just under 3 weeks and I would hate to miss that. But I am feeling like not myself at all. I feel weak, sore, and if you saw my arms, you would mistake me for a junkie but that's only because the nurses in the hospital had a very difficult time finding a vein on me. So now i've got marks and bruises all up and down my arms. Thanks nurses. I could have done a better job myself and I'm not professionally trained. But the bruises will heal with time as will my fear and my pain. I just can't help thinking what would have happened if jaje had not been there. There would have been no one to call an ambulance for me but worse there would have been no one to protect elliot as she sat and watched her mother die. But I can't think such thoughts. That's not the way it went down. Jaje was there and he took care of everything. But I'm still afraid to be left alone with my daughter. How fucked up is that. And I'm so depressed and I feel like hell physically as well as emotionally. Jaje's mother is here, she came down to help us out. My parents will be here at the end of this month. So I'm probably not going to be alone for awhile which is good because I fear for my life. Not because I'm scared to die but just for my daughters sake. She needs me. I had social services at my house but they said everything is okay and I have nothing to worry about but they want me in counseling. I really don't want to do the counseling but i'll do whatever it takes to make sure nobody takes my baby away from me. I will die before i let them take her. How can they just come in here, knowing i'm sick, and tell me that my home is not safe for baby. Okay it was a little messy but there was nothing dangerous anywhere. I even have all the electric sockets plugged up so she can't get into them. The only thing really was that there was alot of clothes and toys all over the floors and the EMTs had a hard time getting to me because they had to step on it. So one of them decided i was an unfit mother and called social services to come check out my place. But Jaje and his mom had it cleaned up by the time they came around. And they even visited me in the hospital and talked to me but I don't really remember much of what was said. My whole hospital stay is just a big blur. I think i fell down because they put a bracelet on my wrist that said "fall risk" and i still have a pain in the back of my head as if it had been hit with a baseball bat or something. All I can think of is that I tried to stand up at some point and fell on the back of my head. I don't remember it happening. I'm just assuming that happened. It bothers me that a couple days of my life are just a blank. Anything could have happened and I will never remember it. And some things that didn't happen will not leave my mind. I feel as though it's so real. Even though the people involved insist it didn't happen. Like I remember my mother calling me even though it's impossible because she didn't know I was in the hospital at the time. I only called her and told her once I got out. But I have a very vivid and real memory of speaking with her from my hospital room. I even said, hey remember when you called me and she said "what do you mean, i didn't call you. i couldn't call you. i didn't have the number even." and I thought about it and she was right. It's impossible. But that's just one of many things that I remember that didn't happen. Jaje said i was tripping like crazy the first two times he came to see me and I don't remember him even coming to see me those first two times. The third time he came, I thought that was the first time and I remember being so mad at him for leaving me in the hospital so long but he says he was there and i was tripping balls. Before the seizure and the hospital, I had been sick as hell, throwing up constantly for like 4 or 5 days straight. And that lead up to the seizure and jaje said my heart stopped and i was not breathing and he had to do mouth to mouth. He also said i bit my tongue and blood and other crap came out of my mouth but my tongue doesn't hurt and you'd think it would if i had bit it hard enough for blood to squirt out of my mouth. So who knows. It's all a crazy mess to me. I can't say what happened or why. And it's the why part that scares me. I'm 26 years old, things like this should not be happening to me. But that's what happened. That's the story. And right now, I'm just trying to get back to normal. I don't know how long that will take but i hope not too long. I'm sick of feeling sick. Anyway, I have nothing left to say for now. I'm going to do something else. If anyone cares to email, call, or write me... feel free. I'm around. Just don't ask me stupid questions cuz I will ignore you. I'm just not in the mood for dealing with idiots right now. Thanks and goodbye.
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