Fortune Ate Lee January 7, 2008
6:33 pm
mood: full

Entry 2024

Actually, I didn't eat it. But i opened a fortune cookie to find this gem written on the little strip of paper:

"Society prepares the crime. The criminal commits it."

I'd love to hear everyone's interpretations of this.

18 want me dead | kill me



Speed typing. December 29, 2007
5:08 pm
mood: apathetic

Entry 2015

84 words

Learn Touchtyping

i type 84 words per minute with 100% accuracy. I'll admit i took the test 3 times, the first time i got 79, the second time 83 and the last time 84. So... everyone else take it to see how we compare. take it a few times if you must and post your highest score here.

how fast do you type?

6 want me dead | kill me



mood: ecstatic

Entry 1988

my baby got a job! yay!

11 want me dead | kill me



holy crap... it's really happening! December 1, 2007
1:31 pm
mood: excited

Entry 1978

It's official. today is the best day ever.

Jaje just bought a plane ticket for today. He gets here tonight at 10pm.

I won't be sleeping alone tonight. And I thought I was going to have to make it through the weekend without him.

I could not possibly be any more excited.

7 want me dead | kill me



Hurray!!!!!!!!!! November 30, 2007
3:53 pm
mood: loved

Entry 1975

i finally talked to Jaje.
He's gonna come back to Florida and live with me.
I am the happiest person ever now!

12 want me dead | kill me



news? November 30, 2007
12:32 pm
mood: amused

Entry 1974

Mexico burns 23 tons of cocaine worth 2.7 billion dollars.


Why was I even reading a newspaper in the first place?

22 want me dead | kill me



Best game ever November 25, 2007
2:59 pm
mood: amused

Entry 1965

Play the game

here are the rules:

RULE 1: You are playing The Game.
RULE 2: Whenever you think about The Game, you lose.
RULE 3: Loss must be announced.

The objective of The Game is to forget that it exists.

Btw, you just lost the game, sucker.

13 want me dead | kill me



mood: happy / relieved

Entry 1960

things are not as bad as i thought.

i dreamed about someone and then they got in touch with me. That made my day.

It truly is a happy thanksgiving.



it doesn't get much better than this November 16, 2007
1:50 pm
mood: i don't care

Entry 1952

the good thing about being a junkie is that i don't need anyone to make me happy.

i've gotten over others. i can get over this too. all i need is heroin. fuck friends. fuck boyfriends. fuck all of you.

i can't wait to get high again.

nobody can hurt me cuz i don't care.

also i just realized, every time i think things are bad, i just remind myself that i'm not in israel anymore and it cheers me right up. if i could make it out of that aweful place, i can do anything. god bless america. hahahaha. oh yeah. maybe i'll try canada next. ;o)

4 want me dead | kill me



We'll float on, good news is on the way November 15, 2007
6:28 pm
mood: optimistic / happy / not in pain *yayy*

Entry 1950

My stomach is all sorts of fucked up. I've been in pain before and this ranks up there on the intensity scale. It's the kind of pain where you can't do anything but cry and curse and pray for relief that doesn't come. I may have an ulcer. Or something else might be wrong. But i find that my dad's ulcer medication helps a bit. Anything i eat irritates it. This place is full of so much good food that i love and i can't eat any of it. Even bland, flavorless food only makes the pain worse. I haven't been vomiting anymore since yesterday so that's a step up. But the pain is worse. Right now it's okay but earlier today, it just reached unbearable heights. It comes and goes. I'm sure it'll be back soon. There doesn't seem to be much of anything i can do at this point about it. Hot water seems to calm me down so i sit in the bath tub and it helps a little. Other than that, I just hope that this pain won't last. Or i will have to eventually go see a doctor.

Besides the physical pain and the fact that i'm broker than i ever thought possible, i'm actually feeling okay. It's like, i know i should be worried about my future. But i'm not really worried about it. I mean, i'm unsure about what's going to happen but i'm hopeful and i'm trying to be optimistic which is rare for me. But i feel something new and different. Scary but good. And i'm letting myself actually roll with it instead of fighting it. So yeah, i think good things are coming.

I have learned alot from all my experiences in the last 5 years. I don't even count any time before that as a part of my life. I feel like i didn't really start my life until age 18 because i didn't experience much of anything before that. But everything that has happened to me since then, the horrible things and the wonderful things, have made me what i am now. And i'm okay with who i am now. Because i know that i'm someone who is capable of feeling so much great stuff. It's true that i have felt incredible pain. But it's worth it. Because when i feel good, it's so intense that i think i'm in heaven. You can't really have one without the other. And i'm glad to be able to feel so intensely. The way i feel right now both scares the shit out of me and excites me. Because i've never actually cared about another person. It's always been about me. My whole life it's been about me. You should be able to admit that you're selfish. It's human nature. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm my number one priority. Cuz when everyone else is gone, i'm all i have left. But i met someone that i actually care about and it's crazy. Being away from this person is probably the worst thing i can think of but i hope that soon i'll be with him again and this madness will all end. Because when i'm with him, everything just falls into place. It's like i finally found a place that i belong. And that's something i would have never believed possible.

So yeah, some bad shit happened. I found out who my real friends are. And the realization of how few of those exist is quite a slap in the face. But the fact that i have at least one of them is something to rejoice about. Some people don't even have that. And i'm lucky because i have so much. So yeah, I'm in pain more often than not but i know it'll pass. Yeah i'm in a bad place now but i feel that soon i will find my place in life again. So yes, my life is in ruins right now but i'm not upset. I'm actually just fine. Even better than that. Nothing lasts forever. All my life, i've held myself back from feeling really good because even while i was in the moment of absolute bliss, i was thinking about how the good times are going to end soon and i'm going to be miserable. But now, i'm thinking backwards. I'm going through some bad times but the bad times can't last forever either. Good news is on the way.

I still wouldn't take back anything i've done. Despite all the negative consequences. I had alot of fun. It took me maybe 2 months of working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week to make the money that i came here with. It took me less than a month to spend it. But i spent it on something i love. And i enjoyed it thoroughly. And yes i paid the price for it (and will probably continue to pay) but if i could do it all again, i would.

About an hour ago, i was in bed crying and wishing i was dead. But then the pain went away so now i'm actually really happy. Just goes to show how physical pain can totally fuck with your mind. I'm not unhappy but if i had posted an hour ago, this post would not be the same at all.

I hope everyone is doing well. Even those who wished me misfortune. I'm not as petty and small as you. I'm above all the drama and refuse to even allow it to effect me in the slightest. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last time but if i let it bother me then it might affect future relationships or prevent me from meeting some truly great people out of fear of similiar results. But no, i know that i didn't do anything to deserve what i got and i know that when people do that kind of stuff it's because of their own insecurities. I know because i do the same thing. I lash out at the wrong people sometimes too. But i'm big enough to admit it and try to move on. If these people are big enough to do the same, they know where to find me. I'm all about forgiveness and i'm not mad and we can still be friends. I do care about people and i try hard to get them to like me when i do. I don't always succeed. But that's okay. Most people aren't going to like me. It took me a very long time to come to terms with that fact. But today, i'm a better person because i can let it go. If you don't like me, it doesn't bother me in the least. There are so many people in the world that at least a few of them will like me even if you don't. That's about all i can say on that matter.

I feel good. I hope this lasts. I'm going to post this public because if anyone wants to say something to me, i'd love to hear it. There's only one person in the world who could really hurt me now and he isn't on livejournal so feel free to try to bring me down if you want. Good luck.

22 want me dead | kill me



whatever November 15, 2007
2:23 am
mood: tired

Entry 1949

i wrote a long ass post about everything that's happened since i left st. pete but then i realized that none of it matters. so fuck it. I'm in ft. lauderdale. I have been kind of cut off from the world since i got here. No internet. No phone. No money. No car. I finally got online today which is great cuz i hate feeling disconnected from the world. I've been sick, throwing up everything for the last few days but feel much better today. Other than that, everything is just bleh. I don't even want to talk about it. Leave me alone.

I'm exhausted.

3 want me dead | kill me



Moving right along November 5, 2007
2:17 am
mood: tired

Entry 1948

I'm moving to a motel for a little while. If anyone wants to offer me a bed/couch/floor/whatever to crash on for a few days, I will be eternally grateful. Email me at if you're in florida somewhere (preferably the saint petersburg/tampa area) and wouldn't mind having a houseguest. Even if only for a night. Or a few nights. I should have a place to live in about two weeks if everything works out so it's only a short term thing. Or if anyone wants to come keep me company in my motel room so i'm not alone, that works too. Get in touch with me. Hopefully, I'll have internet access. Now I'm off to sleep my last night in this house. Goodnight everyone.

EDIT: update as of 10/05 - i'm not going to a motel after all. i'm going to ft. lauderdale tomorrow to visit my beatiful, sexy friend Danielle. I'm not sure yet how long i will be staying there but i should be back in st. pete in less than 2 weeks if all goes right.

13 want me dead | kill me



what a beautiful day October 2, 2007
8:24 am
mood: happy / horny / excited

Entry 1936

Raine and I got our tongues pierced.

we are so sexy.

18 want me dead | kill me



hurt. the necessary feeling. September 26, 2007
3:10 pm
mood: blank

Entry 1931

Ignore everything that doesn't feel right. It doesn't fit. It's tight in all the wrong places. Causes pain that you can't stand. Discomfort. Close your eyes to block out darkness. What you don't want to see. That's why you can't see me. But you're so much happier this way. How can i break this calm? You asked me but the answer was lost on you. I don't want to explain. What you want is lies. That's why we're such great liars. Con artists. That's why the masks we wore are no longer distinguishable from ourselves. They become us. Appealing to the masses. I won't be you. I won't be for you. Don't ask me. Don't be silly. There is no finish line. Everyone's a loser. I don't require your approval. I am puzzle pieces scattered throughout the earth. That is why i don't fit in anywhere. That is why I don't belong in one place. I must be everywhere. This is just the beginning of the journey. Only by tearing myself apart can i ever be really whole. When i end this life, all the pieces will finally fall into place. Only then. Not before. That is why you'll never know me in life the way you will in death. Wait for it.

Countdown to the start of my new life.

7 want me dead | kill me



mood: amused

Entry 1927

You want to be overweight and undereducated?Collapse )

Lee says: you just need to do more drugs
J says: no way
J says: you need to do less drugs
Lee says: what?!
Lee says: Blasphemy!!!
Lee says: i CLEARLY need to do more drugs!
Lee says: Clearly!
J says: no!
Lee says: why not?
J says: because they suck
Lee says: on the contrary, they do not suck becuase they do not have a mouth with which to suck.
Lee says: they do, in fact, lack any capacity for sucking and are more likely to be sucked.
J says: Lies
Lee says: show me a drug that can suck my dick prior to getting me high, and i will be a happy, happy man.

4 want me dead | kill me



mood: observant

Entry 1924

Yom Kippur in Israel is a crazy day. I went outside to smoke a cigarette and was able to observe the natives from the safety of my 5th floor balcony.

These are some strange creatures. On this day, they gather in the streets for some kind of social interaction.

observe more of these strange creatures with me behind the cutCollapse )

On this day, the israelites practice the act of fasting to atone for their sins. They also do not drive cars or use any sort of appliances which run on electricity. They look to the streets and each other for entertainment purposes as well as to ease the difficulty of this day of supposed suffering. They believe a kind man who lives among the stars is watching them suffer and in return he will forgive them for any bad things they may have done this year. Such adorably deluded creatures, these Israelites. I'm going to go throw cookies at them to see how they react.

26 want me dead | kill me



Our keyboard chemistry is undeniable September 21, 2007
10:23 am
mood: amused

Entry 1923

Everyone watch this.

and then watch the other two episodes. Funny stuff.

oh also, watch this one: I'm a ninja

6 want me dead | kill me



mood: cheerful

Entry 1920

Change of plans. I found a better flight. Less hours spent in airports. It arrives at Tampa International Airport at 1pm Friday afternoon.

So i bought it already. There's no going back now.

Be prepared to party hard.

21 want me dead | kill me



What the eff September 14, 2007
4:40 pm

Entry 1911

Look what one1below just shared with me. Probably the funniest thing I’ve seen in years. You must watch this. Whoever doesn’t is an idiot.

Congratulations on finding what is probably the funniest video on youtube on your first time there! You are truly a god!

p.s. there’s a sequel which is just as funny and you should also watch that. here’s the link:

20 want me dead | kill me



mood: crampy

Entry 1909

Take your plane to work day is over. It's september 12th now. Not that I don't love the jokes that still fill up my friends page.

Anyhoo, today is the jewish new year. i have cramps. they hurt. i want a hysterectomy.

I actually have nothing to say but i realize i have no friends. Nobody reads my journal with the exception of two or three people. Or maybe they do and don't comment. Fuck you people who read and don't comment. You're not my friends. I want to make one of those posts that people sometimes make where they say like "i'm removing everyone who doesn't comment on this post" but then I'd end up with like one friend. And that would make the reality of my e-loserness all the more real. So I won't do that. I like to pretend I have friends.

My family is going over to my mom's sister for Rosh Hashana dinner. I'm going to have the house to myself tonight. What should I do? If i had any friends, I might make a poll so you can all give me suggestions. But my only friend is invisible bob and he doesn't have a livejournal. So... I won't bother.

I dropped my chapstick behind the bed and i'm too lazy to move the bed to pick it up. Crap. Who wants to make me a shirt that says "I'm just lazy" on it? Or one that says "I'm a miserable little shit" on the front and "Just kidding... or am i?" on the back? I'd make it but i'm just too lazy. T-shirt ideas by the lovely one1below.

If i wasn't bleeding from my super secret girly place, i'd dance around the house naked singing queen. too bad.

someone message me and entertain me so i'm not sitting here sad and lonely and crampy all night long. (on msn) or thisisnotmyaimsn (on aim)

44 want me dead | kill me



We only came to kick some ass September 10, 2007
5:36 pm
mood: exhausted

Entry 1906

How hard is it to change your first name? I mean, I know changing it legally is easy. But what about people who have known you for years by this name? Is it even possible to get them to call you something else so late in life? I've wanted to change my name for a long time. I never changed it because I didn't know how I would tell people to all of a sudden call me something else. I didn't think it would really work. I guess I just have to be really committed and pick a name I can live with if i'm going to change it legally. I've already decided on changing my last name. That's for sure and I'm not bothered by it at all. I already picked a name and i'm very happy with it. The first name is not as simple. I've even considered not legally changing it but just using a nickname. This is less stressful because I don't have to really commit to something new so much. Still, it will be difficult to convince family members and friends to start calling me by that name. Of course... I'm moving to a new place with new people so maybe this is the perfect time for me to try out my new name.

Anyway, my name is Malli pronounced like Maw-Lee. The only nicknames I can get out of that are Mal or Lee. I've had people call me Mal in the past and it annoys me. Lee in hebrew means "for me" which I kind of like. So if i was going to keep my name, i could go for that. I wish I had more friends because I'd like some opinions and I really don't know who or where to ask. Oh well. If anyone reads this, let me know what you think. If I choose to change my name entirely then I'm totally stuck because I don't have a clue what I'd change it to. I'm open to suggestions, i guess. If anyone has changed their name and gone through the process of training your friends and family to call you by your new name, I'd like to hear about how you did it and stuff. That is all. I really need to get some sleep or something.

16 want me dead | kill me



mood: blah

Entry 1904

Holy shit. I decided around 6pm to take a nap because I haven't been sleeping well for weeks now. I've been staying awake really long hours and then passing out but for some reason still only getting between 3-5 hours each time. What the fuck? So I was exhausted, I lie down for a nap. And 10 hours later, I wake up. Holy shit. I can't believe I was out for 10 fucking hours. Haha. Wow. I guess my body really needed it. Damn. Anyway, only 6 more hours till my appointment with the embassy! Yes! Gah, I feel kind of crappy having slept so much. I feel weird and heavy. I'm used to just feeling all manic and sleep deprived. My body hates me... dammit. Anyway, I'm going to post again later today after I go to the embassy so everyone can share in my joy. Take care, kiddies.

p.s. i love you all except for this guy. He's a penis. And he doesn't understand the power of Virii. And he likes to eat shit directly out of a donkey's ass. That's right.

12 want me dead | kill me



mood: hopeful / retarded

Entry 1900

*Oh-Em-Gee* *Dubya-Tee-Eff* *Bee-Bee-Cue* *Kay-Kay-Kay* *Ess-Oh-Bee* *Dee-Ey-Dee* (OMG WTF BBQ KKK SOB DAD)

shut up, i haven't slept in ages.

anyway, my father came into my (new) room (my brothers old room) to talk to me this morning. He says, "hey can I come in" and i just stare at him in shock like "what the hell" because we haven't spoken in ages. So he starts talking at me and I'm just sitting in awe trying to find things to look at in the room.... oooh shiny objects... just to avoid eye contact. So anyway, I told him it's my dream to get a van and travel the country and like I told my mom that I don't think I can afford to do that. So he says if there is anything that he can do to help me, he will. So i said "buy me a van" and he said "okay, i will."


My mom is making me dinner. Super sweet.

If my father buys me a van, I'm seriously going to live my dream. Super Triple Sweet.

For fucks sakes, I've gone retarded from not sleeping and shit. I need to sleep. I just took a bath and it was great and now I smell good. I'm hungry. Hurry up with my dinner, woman! She asked me if I can help her make it and i said "sure, but i have to do something first" and then I came here to write this journal entry. I rule.

Anyway, i have something awesome for you guys. you may think you've heard all the best jokes there are but you haven't lived till you've heard this one.
the best blonde joke in the world

12 want me dead | kill me



mood: exhausted

Entry 1899

I moved out of my room to my brothers room. It's bigger and it supposedly keeps sound in/out better since it's the room you're supposed to go to in case of emergency situations... whatever that means. It's good because I usually sleep while everyone else is awake so i have to hear all their noise. I always wondered how my brother could sleep through so much fucking noise. Maybe it was just this room all along. How did he get the better room? No fair. Anyway, now that he's gone, the room is mine... until I leave. So yay to that.

I've been going through all my old livejournal entries and tagging them. Let me tell you something, this is a big fucking task. I started my journal 5 years ago. I was 18. I was so stupid. I can't believe I was so stupid. haha. But really, I'm amazed at how much i've changed and i'm also glad. I like the person I am now much better than the person I was then.

I brought only four things into the new room with me so far. My laptop, two pillows, and Malcolm Mcdowell. That's right, i don't go anywhere without malcolm. I love you, malcolm.

mmm Malcolm

I am fucking exhausted. it's already past 6pm and i haven't slept. I'm going to try it.

8 want me dead | kill me



Run away.... September 3, 2007
6:08 pm
mood: frustrated, impatient, bored, so sick of this bullshit waiting game

Entry 1898

There is only one cure for boredom. The Geographic cure.

We often wonder what the real cause of violence is. What causes people to do certain things? What causes children to set their friends hair on fire? Is it television? What causes teens to commit acts of violence? Is it video games? What makes any of us do anything? Is it genetics? I don't think so. I think it's boredom. Maybe television and video games are not too violent. Maybe they are not stimulating enough. What makes youngsters do drugs? It's not the movies. It's boredom.

Why do we fight each other? Kill each other? Why do we rape, abuse, destroy? Why. As human beings, we need some sort of rush. Boredom kills.

Boredom is the number one enemy of the people. In fact, is not everything we do an attempt to avoid or destroy boredom? In a sense, is not boredom the mother of all things? Unusual crimes? Fetishes? The internet? If we were all content to just sit and stare at walls... we'd have no use for any of these things.

Lately, i've been feeling depressed. I know this is only a result of boredom. I know that lack of activity and entertainment puts me in a foul mood. It makes the world around me seem bland and worse, it makes me feel bland and mundane myself. Boredom is destroying my mind. The only way I know how to fix this is to run away. I'm not used to having to wait around. It makes me feel hopeless. I know there is nothing I can do but wait. It's like I'm being fucked up the ass with no lube and all i can do is smile and take it. But it's fucking killing me. I'd rather just get up, pack my bags, and run.

Run away from all your boredom
Run away from all your whoredom and wave
your worries and cares goodbye.

All it takes is one decision
A lot of guts, a little vision to wave
Your worries and cares goodbye.

I made the decision. I'm ready to go. I've been ready for a month now. This waiting game is getting old. I've grown tired, anxious, and basically i've lost my fucking patience. Rules and regulations are postponing my life. Counting down the days is destroying me. It's September 4th. Six more days.

5 want me dead | kill me



A little homocide never hurt anyone. September 3, 2007
4:33 am
mood: bored but also strangely aroused

Entry 1897

I have never been so bored and so frustrated in all of my life. I know boredom and this is beyond. So I've been watching random, weird video clips online. I wanted to share them with you all. In case anyone else is as bored as I am.

Here's something funny. A clip about the masturbation gesture.

If you'd rather see something incredibly disturbing, here's a guy with a giant fucking tumor on his face.

Highly amusing. Especially the tumor guy. But you know what's funnier than tumors? Homicide. Especially mass homicide. Oh boy. You know what else? Rape, Terrorism, and other related acts of extreme violence. I'd like to be witness to a brutal murder. Of course without the legal implications of being witness to a murder. But wouldn't it be fun to watch someone die. Let's assume this person is like a child rapist so that way you guys don't hate me as much for wanting to watch someone get beaten to death and then chopped up into little pieces. Speaking of which, here's a clip of child rapists being chopped up into little pieces (in Africa).

It's sexy. Enjoy.

4 want me dead | kill me



failure is just success rounded down August 29, 2007
4:41 pm
mood: relieved

Entry 1889

Hot chamomile tea with honey and a few hours of sleep have made a new man out of me! muahaha. that's right, i grew a penis in the night. suck on that!

But seriously, my throat doesn't hurt as much now. I'm very happy about this. My nose is still leaking like a faucet but at least I'm not in pain. I can swallow again! It's a great day for all sexy men! That's right, sexy men. Do any sexy (straight) men even read my journal? Of course not. What am I thinking? In case any sexy men happen to come across my journal by mistake, please let me know. I'm looking for you! That's right, You! You in the back.

Anyway, another day is coming to a close. Thirty minutes to midnight and Wednsday will be officially over. That puts me one step closer to my desired date. Woohoo. For some reason I woke up this morning thinking "wow isn't it great that I don't have HIV." And then I started thinking about it in depth. I know that's really odd and now that i think about it... i wonder why i would even think that. I mean I got tested right before I went into rehab and my tests came back negative but I didn't really feel as relieved as i should have felt, i guess. I just felt indifferent. Oh... i'm healthy... how odd. I guess I was put off by the idea that i might have to live my life sober and healthy. I figured if i was going to be sober, i might as well have a life threatening illness on top of that. But actually I'm very lucky not to have contracted any diseases. I surely have been stupid enough in the past to deserve some kind of punishment. But for some reason, i'm still healthy inspite of that. So I guess in the future, i should try to be more careful with my ... um... risky behavior. By .... not practicing any risky behaviour? Yes, that's it. I'm going to be a good girl from now on and practice safe ... activities.

Now i need to find a way to entertain myself. Any ideas?

41 want me dead | kill me



mood: cranky @ my sore throat / jealous of my brother / excited about sept. 10th

Entry 1888

I can't believe how much junk can come out of ones nose when one is sick. I have used up nearly two rolls of toilet paper on my poor little nose. Where is all this junk coming from, i ask of you?

It's 5am and my little baby brother just left for the airport. Who knows when/if I will see him again. It saddens me that he left me with the following goodbye:

"Be good. Try not to get in trouble. And be nice to mom."

Excuse me little baby brother of mine, I don't like being talked down to. You might be taller than I but I am still older. Don't talk to me like I'm a child. In other news, I am super extra jealous of him. I told him we'll meet up in a month when I get there. But it's highly unlikely we'll meet up. Unlikely but not impossible, i suppose. He will be in Gainesville which i don't plan on visiting. Anyway, I hate him for leaving before me (i don't really hate him, i'm just really jealous, ok). I hope that he has fun and finds whatever it is he is looking for there. Cheerio, little baby brother of mine. Be good. Try not to get in trouble. And don't get some stupid bitch pregnant, for the love of god. I can't imagine what your offspring will be like but I imagine it wouldn't be a good idea. Also, i noticed you splashed on way too much cologne for someone who is going to be sitting in a plane for somewhere between 10-14 hours. I would have liked an explanation for that if you were not on your way out the door. Why wear so much cologne? On a long ass flight like that, no less? I don't get it, little bro. But to each his own.

In other news, my father is flying to Florida as well next week which will leave just me and my mother. YIKES! How will i live with that? I can only hope that she manages to find ways to occupy herself so that I do not have to converse with her. I'd prefer to keep our exchange of pleasantries to a minimum. Yes, I am miserable and asking me a hundred times is not going to make me change my answer. No, I'm not going to suddenly be super duper hyped and start dancing and singing a happy jig just because you can't stand to see me so miserable. Yes, I am avoiding you on purpose. No, I am not going to explain to you why or what I'm feeling because you should already know. Before i went to rehab, she said how she couldn't stand to see me so content (because she knew i was high) so in order to fix that problem, she gave me an ultimatum which eventually forced me into rehab. Then when i come out the other end miserable, she wonders why. And if she can't stand to see me content but she can't stand to see me miserable then perhaps the reality is that she can't stand to see me. Good thing i'm leaving, huh, mom?

Did you know...

You can solve your emotional problems just by SPENDING MONEY!

Wow! No wonder people like capitalism so much!!

I hope that this pain in my throat (seriously, it hurts so much to swallow) goes away by tomorrow. I don't know how much more discomfort I can really tolerate.

The date is officially Wednsday, August 29th, 2007. Eleven days until my appointment with the embassy. Eleven days until I can apply for my new passport, get an ETA, and hopefully buy my plane ticket to freedom. Eleven days until i can sing and dance and party on the rooftops of tall buildings. As soon as I have my plane ticket in hand, it will all be so much more real. I will spend my last days on this hell hole going around saying goodbye to all my relatives. Not because I'm going to miss them. But just because i want to rub it in all their faces that I am so out of here. Hasta Lavista, Fuckers! I'm going home!

5 want me dead | kill me



mood: sick as fuck

Entry 1887

As if things couldn't get any worse. I come down with a fucking cold. Runny nose and sore throat. Because that's just exactly what was missing from my fantastic life. The missing piece of the fucking puzzle. If there was a god, he would have to hate my guts right now and i'd say "fuck you bitch" but I don't believe in god. It's actually my own fault for not taking care of myself. Hanging out in my room in the dark all day, not eating or drinking, and not sleeping enough can not possibly be good for my health. So now I'm sick. It hurts to swallow and my head is throbbing. Ugh. This is horrible. I'm going to go wallow in self pity for another few hours because I really have nothing better to do but blow my nose.

Oh wait... to end on a positive note...only 12 more days to go until September 10th. Wooohooo I'm halfway there. Celebrate with me, anyone? party on my street. bring hats.

18 want me dead | kill me



mood: amused

Entry 1883


Click Here to hear the song

How do you think the world is going to end? Watch this video if you're interested in that kind of shit. See what our most imminent threat is. It's good stuff.

Last Days on Earth
"Last Days on Earth" on Google Video

I took some stupid personality test on okcupid and here is what it said about meCollapse )

11 want me dead | kill me



mood: bored and my stomache hurts, owwie

Entry 1879

I made three hitler icons.

Sensitive Hitler

kids loved hitler

Hitler was sexy

Thanks to this cunt for giving me photoshop.

Edit: I've made another icon:
Heaven is for pussies

42 want me dead | kill me



I'm yours to command August 22, 2007
3:14 pm
mood: horny

Entry 1878

I'm posting this for you, fckinginheavenLaraine.

hitler was a fucking genius

Hitler is sexy

I'm certain that i've posted about my obsession with Hitler in this journal in the past. I can't be sure but i'll try to be brief (or not). i've been obsessed with Hitler since I was a child. yes, sexual fantasies are a natural part of any obsessionCollapse )

I think I'm going to download some German porn. All this Hitler talk has made me incredibly horny.

7 want me dead | kill me



mood: irritated

Entry 1875


I went to try to get a new passport today. The bitch tells me i need to have a police report stating that my passport was reported lost or stolen and that i need to make an appointment. I didn't have a police report because when i reported it lost in the u.s. they refused to give me one and said that i wouldn't need it. So i went to the police station here and they gave me a statement that my passport was stolen. So then i went to make an appointment to return to the embassy and they tell me i have to wait until September 10th. That's 3 weeks from today. Then I have to wait another 3 weeks for my new passport to arrive. That's too much time. I'm losing my fucking mind here. I'm thinking about going tomorrow and trying to get in again without an appointment. I don't care if i have to go in at 6am and wait there till 11 for them to take my stupid paperwork from me. I want out of this country and i want out now!

I hate you Israel. I hate your country. I hate your people. I hate your food. I hate your language. There is a reason why israelis are hated by so many people around the world. Because they are disgusting, ignorant, barbaric people. Oh man, we drove by B'nai Brak which is basically the town of religious freaks. They walk around in layers of dark clothing in the middle of the hottest summer day. What the fuck man. What a messed up religion to make people put on a heavy black jacket in the middle of summer. Retards. I fucking hate jews, especially really religious ones.

My brother is flying to florida next week. Already bought his ticket and everything. Lucky bastard. I once told myself that if he gets out before me, i'll shoot myself. But now it's inevitable. Because I don't have a fucking passport. If they make me wait 3 weeks just to go to the embassy though, i really will shoot myself. Or someone else. Or someone else and then myself. Fuck that. But at least I can be sure that I'll not miss halloween, my most favorite of holidays. Whatever happens, i can be sure to be in the states by october. Sweet.

I didn't sleep last night. But i did spend the night / morning talking to someone interesting. So it pretty much flew by. Also, i figured out that yesterday mornings mishap was actually just a one off. I'm not completely dead. I can still feel things. Yay to that. Perhaps i just need the right kind of stimulation. Someone owes me kisses and a ride on a horse-drawn carriage. That's right! You know who you are.

I'm gonna be online all day long so people should talk to me because i'm bored out of my skull. That's all for now. More to come. Later. I'm going to read webcomics now.

16 want me dead | kill me



mood: melancholy

Entry 1873

Who remembers this song?

I remember dancing to it when i was still an innocent little thing. Too right.

13 want me dead | kill me



fucking junkies stole my ipod August 16, 2007
9:50 pm
mood: crazy

Entry 1871

I am back.

I left rehab over a week ago and found my computer had crashed. Had to replace the hard drive again. Lost everything. Just got the laptop back today and now working on replacing things that I can actually replace. That's the story. More about the horrors of the rehab later, perhaps, if anyone is interested.

I'm feeling fucking insane right now. I'm more sober than i've been in years. I have no job, no friends, no ties whatsoever to this place. I want to make a clean break but I need to find a place to end up in. Any ideas and invites are welcome. I have a bit of cash for the journey and I want to get out before I spend it here. What to do and where to go are yet to be decided. I have decided to live an apathetic and minimalistic lifestyle for the rest of my days here. That means absolutely no pleasures. No drugs, no sex, no junk food. I'm cutting down but not cutting out my smoking of cigs. I figure that denying myself pleasures now will make it all the more enjoyable when i get out of here. So that's that.

I've downloaded msn and aim messengers in case anyone wants to talk to me and i'll be answering any emails sent to me later on, after i finish reconstructing my computer to the way i want it to be. Take care all.

18 want me dead | kill me



mood: worried, scared, and a little sad

Entry 1870

Rehab called. They are ready for me. First thing in the morning. For some reason, i thought this day would never come. I kind of hoped it wouldn't. But now it's here. I should be happy, really. I just feel like crying and I don't know why.

I have a few errands i have to run this morning in preperation. Things to buy. Cigarettes, clean underwear, and such.

I won't be able to talk to anyone by phone or internet for 21 days.

Anyone who wants to talk to me should do it tonight. Or leave me nice messages here. Or email me at the following email address:

i'm going to miss you all, my online friends. especially you. thanks for making me smile.

i'm actually terrified. i can't really figure out why.

34 want me dead | kill me



mood: pills make me warm and fuzzy

Entry 1868

In honor of this great flash animation that i have just rediscovered after years of not seeing it, i have made a new livejournal icon. It's also been years since i've done that.

Here is the flash animation. If that doesn't work, the url is:

And the new icon, in case you can't see my icon, can also be seen here:

In college, one of my friends and i used to always sing this song to each other in public.

When i was young, i loved to cause a scene and freak people out. I loved to sing or say weird things in public. i kind of miss those days. i need a friend who wouldn't mind looking stupid in front of a bunch of strangers. perhaps even someone to help me restart my old "penis picture book" that i started many years ago. It was supposed to be a collection of penis pictures to rival any college boys wall of titties. However, it died with only one picture in the book. I'd like to try to bring that project back to life some day. I also miss standing by the side of the road and flashing cars driving by. I wonder if i'm too old to do stupid things like that anymore. Maybe I just need to go back to college. I forgot that i actually had some fun there. Maybe it's too late though. Oh well. I better go to sleep before the pills stop working and then i won't be able to sleep at all. Sweet dreams everybody.

7 want me dead | kill me



mood: ugly

Entry 1865

I looked at a mirror, a thing I despise. Normally, I avoid them at all costs. Nothing good can come of this. I took a peek. To see myself. My progress and what is becoming of me. I feel a mistake was made and I'd like to take it all back. What I see when I look in the mirror is this horrible, ugly thing that can't possibly be me. But it is. It is me. I can see as well as feel my youth slipping away from me now. I can see the end rushing towards me. I can't stand to look at myself now. I have hidden myself away in the darkness and I will not come out. What is not nice, we do not show.

4 want me dead | kill me



mood: about to lose my fucking mind

Entry 1864


Sometimes, you find out something that you just need to share with someone right away. This is one of those times. Not surprisingly, i have no one to talk to.

I need a friend.

Is that too much to ask for?

When i die, my funeral will be full of people who have no idea who i was.


36 want me dead | kill me



What is worth fighting for? July 4, 2007
6:43 am
mood: tired / sleepy / thinking too much

Entry 1860

Sometimes just the basic concept of life depresses me. I don't know why it should. But I just look at my life and I try to think of things that would make it more worthwhile. So I look around me. I see things I want. Like Beauty. Success. Money. Love. Then I think about it and I realize that even with these things, life is still going to be the same damn shit. We are all rushing towards the same inevitable conclusion. Beauty fades. Health falters and fails. Money stays on this earth when you leave it. Nothing stays. Nothing goes with you. In the end, everything and everyone you have will just abandon you. Those people who remember you. They will die too. And then who will remember you? Nobody. Unless you're a rock n roll legend or a some kind of genius that contributed something to society, no one will remember even your name. And if you are one of the previously mentioned, people will remember your name but not you. Not who you were but what you did. I guess that's still something. But I'm not a legend or a genius. I'm a normal person. We all desire greatness. We all want to leave behind something or someone to keep our name alive. That's why we procreate, isn't it? So that someone will remember us when we're gone. Well, from my own personal experience, it's not worth it. I've seen the way my father's family fight over the little bit of money their mother had. Nobody stops to think about her and her life and the fact that she's now gone. It seems so mechanical. Not human at all. People sometimes amaze me with their incredible ability to just get over things. I thought my father would be torn to pieces by the loss of his mother. He was more frustrated about the strict guidelines set forth by his religion in regards to the first month of grieving (one is forbidden to shave in the first month, as a sign of grieving. among other things that i find ridiculous and pointless). I, myself, was unable to cry for her at all. I tried so hard. When they threw her body into the ground like she was just some old trash, I felt sick (I couldn't believe the sick way that these people bury their dead, they put them in a bag and just toss them in the ground.). But i couldn't cry. People around me cried, some of my cousins cried hysterically, one almost passed out. Still I couldn't feel anything. I felt like a robot. My head was running like a computer with all these thoughts and ideas and suggestions. But i felt nothing. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry not in her memory but because of the thoughts and ideas that her death left to run free in my mind. But I couldn't. I couldn't even cry for myself. People told me i was in shock. I jumped on that suggestion like a drowning man to a lifeboat. Still today, a few months later, I still feel I have not properly mourned the loss of my last remaining grandmother. I feel I should since I was not given the chance with all my other grandparents. Both of my grandfathers I didn't see after I was 4 years old and both died while I was in America so I never really knew them. My other grandmother died more recently, about 3 or 4 years ago. I knew her but not well since I lived in America and she lived in Israel. Also because I never cared enough. I didn't cry for her either. Now i feel I must prove I'm human. I must prove I have human emotions. I must prove, maybe only to myself, that I am not the selfish, pitiful being that I believe I am. But it doesn't work. I can change so many things about myself. I can change my appearance, i can change my personality, i can change my mind. But I can't change who I really am in my core. I can't change the fact that i'm just a child trapped inside a body that just keeps getting older and older without me and rushing towards my inevitable end. Which is to say, I will be tossed into a bag and dumped in the ground just like my grandmother and then people will complain about the little annoyances that surround my passing until enough time has passed that they can forget I ever existed. What is the point? What is the purpose? What is our reason for doing what we do? For carrying on living and loving and feeling. When it all leads to the same hopeless, pathetic, meaningless end? Is that why so many people obsess over religion? Religion is like a drug. It allows you an alternate reality. It allows you to really and geniunely believe that you're not alone and that there is something greater waiting for you on the other side. That the end is not really the end. That there is more to life than just life. It's all so ridiculous. Still I wish i could subscribe to that school of thinking. I wish I could be a devoted religious fanatic. I wish i could live my life believing that there is a strong, powerful father figure watching over me and that he loves me and that he wants me to succeed and that one day I will be rewarded for all my suffering. But there are so many holes in that theory that i can't even begin to list them here. I wish I could believe. It would make everything so much easier. Just like heroin. But in the end, it only leads to disappoint and even more pain. Just like heroin. I have to let go of my false idols and just face reality in all it's dark, depressing bleakness. And I have to embrace it no matter how much i despise it. Because I only have so much time left before I lose it forever.

Month 1 of my sobriety comes to a close and my mind is not at rest. I am not at ease. I am struggling every day. But I am still breathing. I guess you could say, every morning that I wake up is a success. Every night is an end to another day i made it through. I'm not really living now. But I'm still breathing. Just waiting it out. Letting the days fly by me. One miserable, pain-filled, hopeless, pleasureless day at a time.

10 want me dead | kill me



mood: amused at myself (for being a total dumbass)

Entry 1858

I had some fun with my msn name today while talking to one of my coworkers. I reread it and thought it was pretty amusing. Perhaps you people will agree. here it is.

My msn name was "i'm not the one you want, babe" which is a lyric from a Turtles song because I'm obsessed with them. Anyway, here it goes.

i'm not the one you want, babe says: omg i have a new name
there's a big difference between good anal sex and sticking things up your ass says: there
coworker says: hahaha
there's a big difference between good anal sex and sticking things up your ass says: but my dad is on my msn list so this is probably not appropriate
surprise! butt sex! says: that's better
coworker says: hahaCollapse )

On an unrelated note, today i put on my jeans for the first time in a month (cuz i've spent the last month being sick and wearing only jammie pants or sweat pants) and I found that I could pull them easily on or off without even undoing the buttons. This means, I'm soon going to need new jeans. Or a belt to hold up the old jeans. A belt is cheaper. Since I probably don't have a job anymore. yayy.

6 want me dead | kill me



mood: weak

Entry 1856

I get out of breath watching the world spin so fast.
My future becomes my past.
My mind gets hung so bad
that I get out of breath.

4 want me dead | kill me



mood: numb

Entry 1853

I feel completely empty. Drained. Like all my anger, frustration, excitement, or any other emotion drained out with all the tears i cried over the last 2 weeks. There is nothing left inside me. I feel like a zombie. I don't feel like getting out of bed. I don't feel like drinking or eating. I don't feel like seeing people or talking to people. I only just want to lay here and hear my music as loud as possible and pretend i'm not a person. Pretend i'm just air particles floating above my bed. I don't know. I just don't want to do anything. I tried writing. My mind is a blank. Really. I have nothing to say. Maybe I've just run out of things to say. I have nothing left. If that's the case, what am I still doing here? I don't know. It's not that I want to die. I think that requires desire and some anger and unhappiness. I'm not angry. I'm not depressed. I'm not anything. I'm dead emotionally. I don't even care what happens now. Because caring just takes too much of my energy and I'm really tired. I'm just exhausted. I have nothing left to give or say or do. I'm done.

10 want me dead | kill me



Too tired to think anymore June 16, 2007
5:11 pm
mood: exhausted

Entry 1852

I've been acting like an idiot. And I'm not an idiot. I'm a very intelligent person. I need to stop beating myself up. I don't deserve this. I made mistakes. So does everyone. I'm so scared of fucking up that I just keep fucking up. I'm probably scared to succeed. It's scary. I don't know. I don't know much. But i know that i can't live like this anymore. And I'm too young to die. And I'm not ready. I have to find something that will get me through this.

I know what I need. I need a project. I need something to occupy my mind. I'm open to suggestions.

I decided I can't stay in this country. I don't know where I'll go and it won't be in the coming weeks or anything but in a few months maybe. I need out. This place does me no good.

I've been thinking alot and I realized that not everything in life is shit. There are good things too. Sometimes, I forget. I get so caught up in the shittiness of my life that I forget there are good things too. I have to stop doing that. I have to remember the good things and focus on them. That's the only way to get through this. So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get through this. I'm gonna take little baby steps to get myself out of this mess that I'm in. And I'm gonna stay alive because I have no other choice at the moment. I can't say I'm happy to be alive now. But I think one day I will be. And that's a step in the right direction.

7 want me dead | kill me



mood: dying or hoping to die. depressed, lonely, tired

Entry 1851

Fucking Hell. Nothing works. Things are going to get even worse. I didn't think it could get any worse. And now it's getting worse. Why should i live with this? I shouldn't. Maybe I do deserve this. But fuck it. I'm better off dead. So much better off dead. Who needs this. I can't tolerate this pain anymore. I'm not handling it well at all. I'm not good at this. I"m no good. I don't belong in this life, in this world. I"m a big mistake waiting to be corrected. When will things stop being so horrible. Never. They will keep getting worse and worse till i die. Why didn't i die all those times that i did stupid things and overdoses or almost got myself killed in other ways. why did i live through them? why do people tell me how lucky i am that i lived. i'm not lucky. i want to die. and it's not fair that i survived those things. i should just get some money, buy a bunch of dope, and overdose. and die. nothing in the world sounds more appealing to me than that.

I'm losing it.

5 want me dead | kill me



mood: depressed

Entry 1850

I need a drastic change. Drastic. I need to redo myself. Remake myself. Quit my job. Leave the country. Dye my hair. Have plastic surgery. I need to change myself. Be someone else. Redesign. Reconstruct. Remodel. I need a new look and a new personality. A new life and a new outlook on life. I want to change every little thing about me till i'm dead. Maybe I'll even change my name. Maybe I'll change my face. Maybe I'll hide the real me so deep inside, so deep that it can never peek out at me again. So when i look in the mirror, i can see a stranger and not the familiar face that i hate. I can't even look at myself.

And then, just to be safe, i'll run. Run away. Run from myself. Keep running. Don't stop. I will go away and I will be whatever i want, whoever i want, whenever i want. I'll do anything i want. And I'll never get bored because i won't allow it. Running away is hard work. It might be just what i need. I have to break out of this paralzying fear that is keeping me stuck in this spot. I don't know how to do that. But once i figure it out, you can be sure that i'll be out of here so fast and i will never look back.

In the television show Nip/Tuck (for those who have never seen it), probably the most famous line from that show is "Tell us what you don't like about yourself" as it's about plastic surgeons. Anyway here's a list of things I don't like about myself:

* my face
* my body
* my mind
* my thoughts
* my tits
* my ass
* my nose
* my eyes
* my neck
* my arms
* my legs
* my personality
* my insecurities
* my fears
* my heart
* my self

I like my hands. My hands are small, my fingers short and chubby, my nails are chewed up and bloody. It's disgusting and ugly and pathetic like me. I have the hands of a child, not a grown woman. I love my hands. They are the only things i would not change about myself.

Maybe if i change everything about me, someone will be able to love me.



mood: depressed and very , very alone

Entry 1849

I'm using livejournal as a substitute for people. I realize that. I thought i cared but i'm too desperate. I need so much that i don't have and i can't get and i don't know... anything. I don't know. Nobody cares. Nobody around. I'm so alone. I don't think it's possible to be more alone than i am right now. Alone in the dark. A dark place devoid of anything. No light, life, air. Just me alone, suffocating. Me alone, hallucinating caring faces in the darkness. Yes, I see you there. Why won't you speak to me? Why? Because you aren't real. Because you aren't right in front of me but inside me. You are me. But yes, I see you. Stop staring at me like that. Oh, wait, you're not real. Why am i always talking to inanimate objects? Or the dog? Why won't they answer me? Why won't they love me? Why won't someone, something, anyone love me? What can i do to make you love me? Still I talk to no one. No, it doesn't work like this. You can't do this. You can't make no one love you. You can't talk to no one and expect no one to reply. Because I'm alone as always. God, I'd do anything, anything for just a friend. A friend. I'd do anything to feel at home. To feel a part of something. Not this. Not now. This isolated feeling. Did i really push everyone away? Did I make the choice to speak with imaginary faces rather than real ones. And if so, why? If i can't communicate with myself, how can i communicate at all. If i don't know myself, how can i know anything or anyone? Who am i?

how is it that people can be happy in all types of situations and i can't be happy in any?

why can't i sleep at night, even with double the recommended dosage of sleeping pills?

why can't i die?

why am i doing this to myself?

why does nobody care?

why am i so alone?

So alone. Nobody in the world can be this alone.

Some of them are scary. The faces I see. Some of them are friendly. Some want to hurt me. I feel those are the ones i relate to more. I see their malicious intent and i embrace it and I wish it were real. But it's not. LIke the friends i have, they don't exist in reality. Don't exist outside of my imagination. But i see them in the dark. I see the faces.

Nobody cares. Not even me.

2 want me dead | kill me



mood: nothing at all, maybe a little tired (tired of life)

Entry 1847

I find that nothing compares to the feeling of listening to a really great song. I find that today it's hard to find a song that stirs such emotions in me. I think the 70s were a better time. For music. For life. For everything. I think I was maybe meant for that time. Peace and Free Love and Drugs. I'd give my whole being to live in such a world. But instead, I'm in this one. What a horrible, unfair deal. I want to be a teenager in the 70's. I still think Malcolm McDowell is (was) the sexiest man i've ever seen in my life in a clockwork orange. But now he's in his 60's and I can only pine away for what he used to look like in secret, staring at his poster on my wall. whatever, i'm lame. Maybe it's the ultraviolence in that movie that turned me on so much. Such a wild, violent young man. Old men can't be like that. Too bad there's no fountain of youth. Mr. Mcdowell, I salute you for being such a sexy, sexy man 30-40 years ago. meh. if i was in my 50's i'd probably still wanna do him? do people in their 60's still get it on? I don't know. I'm in my 20's and i have no sex drive. I've lost it. In my whole life, i've never met a real man who has thrilled me. That's maybe why i turned to drugs. Women, i just don't see how a woman could possibly be what i need. As much as I love them, they are beautiful, so much more beautiful than men, but i need a man. I hate to say that but.... it's not even about a sexual thing. i don't need a penis. I need something else. I don't know if it has a name but im pretty sure a pretty girl doesn't have it. Whatever it is. Maybe it's a little bit to do with the cock though. But I guess my standards are impossibly high. Look who I'm pining away for. An angry, violent, abusive man who will probably beat me up, rape me, and leave me for dead in an alley. Is it the world that made me like this? is it the drugs? was i just born like this? I can't get excited anymore by normal methods. Sexually or otherwise. I need to always turn my mind to the most perverted, disgusting, violent, and vile thing i can imagine. Things that should disgust me... they excite me. And i learn the older i get that the more i grow immune. Like a drug, i need more. More violence, more blood, more perversion. How do normal people get along? The world, such a vile disgusting place, is not possibly disgusting enough for me. I feel dirty. I wish to be used as i feel useless. I wish to be filled as i feel empty. I wish to be beaten. To bleed. To cry. To scream. I feel the anger inside me. So strong, just bubbling below the surface. I never let it get up to it's true potential. In the past, things have been broken and people have been hurt by just a little tiny bit of my anger being let go. After a true fit, a blind furious fit, you feel so completely calm. There are just a few seconds before you realize what you've done and those seconds are the best in your life. Better than any drug or orgasm or anything else. Just a few seconds between the rage and the aftermath when you're almost outside yourself. But those few seconds are not enough to justify the mess you made. When you look around at the broken things. My things. Things i need. My cell phone smashed on the floor. My clock radio in pieces. The sheet set on my bed that i stabbed and ripped to shreds with a pair of scissors in one of these fits (the same one which i broke my mini boombox to pieces by throwing it repeatedly against the wall). After the initial calm, you look around in shock and awe at what you are capable of and never thought you were. Others look at you with mixtures of hate, fear, anger, and worry. Some other things maybe too. But i don't care about that. Not now anyway. I might have an anger problem. So what? I don't fucking care. But I'm attracted to anger. I can't be with a man who isn't violent. I like the bruises, the scars, the marks on my body. I love every one no matter how it was acquired. I find flaws and imperfections are beautiful and no one can be without them.

Oh man, I sometimes get carried away with all these thoughts in my head. I realize i've been putting alot of junk into this journal lately but that's okay because it's the best place to put this stuff, i think. anyway, i've been off work due to sickness so i've had alot of free time. That's why. Thinking alot too. Thinking too much. That's me. But that's enough for today. I took a sleeping pill again to see if today would work better than yesterday's. Maybe i did something wrong before? So now i'm tired and want to sleep. But i'm loathe to turn my music off. Still I know I'll wake up in the middle of the night and turn it off if i keep it on now. is it worth that? i don't want to stop hearing the music. if i ever lost that sense, hearing, i think i'd have no more reason to live after all. Not that i have much reason now. Music is so great. I'm gonna just keep it on then. If I sleep through the night and wake up after 8am in the morning, I will be so fucking happy. You don't know how happy. i can't take my medicine before 8am so if i wake up before that, i must suffer in silence till then. i'd rather not suffer so much anymore. so the time is now 10 minutes to 1. if i wake up at 9, that's 8 hours (less if i give myself about 30-45min until i actually fall asleep, yes it takes me that long if not longer). I don't see that happening (me sleeping that many hours) but I'll try. Goodnight.

Edit The time is now 2am and I haven't yet gone to sleep. Going now. So that means, if i can just get 7 hours of sleep, i'll be great as ever! 7 is perfect! I hope i can sleep 7 hours! :)



mood: numb but also a little bit afraid of tomorrow

Entry 1845

Why can't you just be normal? Why? Why can't you? Just. Be. Normal? Why can't you just be normal? Why?

I can be normal. I can. I can be. I can be normal. Really. I can.

I don't want to. Normal doesn't equal happiness. Not for me. Maybe it does for you. Maybe it does for others. Maybe it does. Not for me. Not me though. Normal? What is that? I can be normal. But I can't be normal and happy at the same time. Can you? Can you be normal? Can't you just be normal like me? Normal. Not crazy. Not wild. Not different. The same. Not weird. Mundane. Not unique. Like me. Just exactly like me. Normal. Like me. Like i am. Like I am normal. Why can't you be? Why can't you be normal like me?

I can be normal. I think. I think I choose not to be. I think maybe it was the wrong choice to make. I think maybe i should be normal. Why? Why can't I just be normal? Why?

I want to now! I know what i said before. That I didn't want to. But. I do. I want to now. Can you make me normal? Normal like you? Can you? Can you promise me that normal will make me happy? Can you do that? Can you make me normal and happy. Can you make me mundane and the same and like you. Because I'm frankly not myself anymore. Because I really don't know who myself is anymore. And it looks nice to be you. It looks nicer to be you than me. So, can you make me normal? Please?

Stop for a minute. Allow me to explain something. I have insomnia caused by years of abusing myself in numerous ways. I have insomnia from thinking too much. Thinking way too much. So i can't sleep. That is what insomnia is. So I took some medicine. Insomnia B Gone. Scientific name Imovane. Do you know it? This is my first time taking it so here I am. In my insomnia, I often wonder many things and now i wonder if i'll miss my insomnia and wondering. But I guess I'll never stop wondering. Not really. I think too much. Did i say that already. Way too much. My head is like a computer that never gets restarted. Never. What I need is a reset button on my head. A sleep mode on my brain. Standby mode on my thoughts. To make them go away for awhile. Turns the screen black so you can get some sleep because the light from the screen really irritates the mind. I mean, everyone needs a break from themself sometimes, right? I do. I need a break from myself. I'm tired of myself. I hate myself. I want out. Away from myself. Just for a little while. Just for now? Just for a few days. Till this is all over. Till it blows over. Till I'm done with all this garbage. It seems like it will never end. Time seems to be crawling at a turtle pace. I feel myself not moving forward but staying stuck. Stuck in one eternal painful place that holds on to me so tight i can't breathe.

I should sleep now. I mean... it's been... what? Enough time for the pill to kick in. To allow me real sleep. The kind where your thoughts are dreams. I like dreams. Real sleep, Real dreams. If it happens now, I'll probably not be ready. I'm never ready. For sleep? It's sort of like being ready for death. I'm not. As much as I want to die and even if i chose to take that step, it would still come as a surprise. Last night in the throes of my insomnia and pain, i thought of making a video of my suicide and it came out quite exquisite in my mind. I think a video is better than a letter. It proves beyond a doubt what happened to you and nobody can take that away from you. Cause of death? It could be in my hands if i choose it to be. I'm keeping the ideas and the plans on a shelf for now. When I need them, they'll still be there. I know they will.

Normal? What's that? Not me.



the world should die already April 12, 2007
11:30 pm
mood: crazy

Entry 1842

What if living is dying and dying is living. What if dying actually means starting a new life. What if death causes birth. What if your last breath is immediately followed by your first. As soon as you die, you are born anew. I wonder what it feels like to die. What it feels like to be born. Perhaps both feel the same. Perhaps both are the same. Perhaps death and birth are not two seperate occurences but one experience. Or two experiences occuring simultaneously. If you are born every time you die, then you and I and all others in the world have experienced birth and death an infinite amount. Yet we retain not even a trace of memory from any of these events. Perhaps it is for the best. Perhaps these experiences are so traumatic that our minds can not handle the memory. So intense that they are not hidden even in the deepest depths of our subconscious but instead pushed out completely from our minds. Pushed out to the world where they can not survive even an instant and die immediately upon first contact with the air. Thus they dissipate and are impossible to recover. Impossible to recall. Memories lost and dead to us indefinitely. And so we continue living and dying and living without even the slightest inkling of a memory from either of these two events.

What if living is dying and dying is living. Then the bodies which we carry throughout a lifetime are not us. Rather they are costumes. Disguises that we wear to hide our real selves from the world. The real us buried within layers of bone, blood, organs, skin, and hair. Our selves completely disguised and hidden from the world. Our faces are masks hiding our thoughts. Only two holes reveal a hint of who we are underneath. Our eyes like open windows to the world. Our eyes, the only thing that's real. Our eyes, two points of weakness. They reveal our secrets. Our eyes, unhidden and undisguised. They are the only thing that gives the world a glimpse of us. The real us. The real us more pure and beautiful than anything we try to be. The real us that even we ourselves would not recognize. Were we to shed our costumes - our insecurities, our fears, our desires, our prejudices - we would not know how to live with what is left of us. We would not know how to live with the reality of what and who we are. Not at first. Just as we do not know how to use our legs when we first discover them. Just as we learn to walk, perhaps we can learn to live with what is really us. Perhaps we can learn to stop hiding and just be real. What is real is what we can not get rid of. It is ourselves. We can not hide from ourselves even as we hide ourselves from the world. We can not run from ourselves even as we run from the world. Perhaps we can change our costumes. Perhaps we change often. But we can not change ourselves, our real selves, what is inside. I wonder if death really brings life.

The world is really a horrible, terrible place. It's no place to live. Really. Life is really a horrible way to live. People, with all their fears and insecurities disguised as hatred and prejudice, pollute the world. It could have been a nice world once. But it will never be now or ever again. People can destroy anything. Please destroy everything.

If life is death then I wonder what will become of my granmother. I will miss her. I wonder if all these thoughts in my head up there are just because I don't want to admit that my grandmother is dying and that death is the most final thing in the world. Even though I really do believe it is. But I'm so high and so tired and so completely out of it that i'm typing with my eyes half closed and not seeing a thing at all as the world spins and moves and fades in and out of focus. And I don't know where or who or what or why I am. Confusion and fear envelope me. I don't want to fear anything. I want to be a machine. A computer. Void of emotion. I hate feelings. I always feel bad. Even when I feel good. I don't understand. What if I can't love. And No One can love me!! Why is that. Why is it that im totally repulsive. can i die and come back as something or someone less repulsive. perhaps something that can be loved. i wanna be loved. or die. but not die forever. i'm not ready for the kind of commitment

i can't focus. i can't function. i can't write anymore of this nonsense bullshit randomness that comes into my head at odd moments of the morning when sleep has not yet arrived. this is not a sentence and my shit is getting shittier. i pass out in someting resembling a bed now. maybe sleeping is like death. a mini death. maybe i can die in my sleep. die and be reobrn. die and live again. living and dying and living again infinitely. losing focus and not finding it now. why do i keep doing this. why do i go on. it's morning and im in need of sleep in a seroius way. i wish i had someone to love me now to snuggle me and hold me while i lay awake or asleep in the early morning hours. but this is not me for i am unlovable and no one would ever have any desire to touch me. i am sick and disgusting and horrible. better of asleep. better off dead and not reborn. inside and outside. i am no good either way. i am no good. so bad. so bad. its a disaster. who is unfortunate enough to know me. i see this getting much worse so i will stop here. my eeys close and my body will shut down now. kill me. love me. kill me. goodnight.

your parakeet escaped. ehehhe let the bird fly.motherfucker. thats what i would do. sitting is not fun sometimes and consciousness is never good.i need more mind altering and mood altering and changing the way that i feel and think more. i's the best way to really live since i'm not really living who is relalyu are you? nope. no sir. not me. not i. not at all.

8 want me dead | kill me